[Sundae]

This time last year I believed that 2005 would be my year. I was already 2 months into a health kick – losing weight, exercising etc. My ex agreed to pay me £2000, and although he attached some weird conditions to it and it wasn't even half of what I believe he owes, I'd mentally written it off in my head already, so it was a pleasant surprise. This and working 6 days a week meant that I finally paid off all my debts – no loan, overdraft, credit card, store card etc.

I booked to go speed dating in April and was going to Italy in May for a friend's wedding. In short I felt my life was improving and my hard work meant I could be proud as well as satisfied.

Some time between May-July things started slipping. I lost 4 stone but didn't quite reach my target weight, maintained for about a month and then started gaining again. I lost focus, stopped exercising, started eating & drinking more. I dated 3 men I met at speed dating but I just didn't fancy any of them. I went on about 4 dates with one, thinking I might have been judging too quickly, but the spark was never there.

I started spending more of my money on drink, which meant I put more weight on. None of the funky clothes I bought earlier in the year fitted me & I started making excuses if I was asked out. I ran out of money halfway through each month anyway, and put off paying bills until the next payday to leave me more money for beer & takeaways.

I am now at the highest weight I have ever been in a whole history of yo-yo dieting. I am about £100 behind on bills and haven't had my hair done since September (as I have highlighted hair this shows very clearly).

I finally cleaned my flat at the weekend and it took 7 hours to do 3 rooms (I still have the bedroom to do) because it looked like the sort of place a drunk would go to die. I feel like someone has beaten me with a big dirty stick because I pulled all the muscles in my legs & back cleaning. I feel better about going home knowing my living room & kitchen are clean, but last night I slept on the sofa & probably will again tonight because sleeping in the bedroom the way it is makes me disgusted with myself.

Anyway – I have lower expectations this year. But I do want 2006 to end better than it started. I think I have taken the first baby steps, but not sure how to keep moving forwards. I need to stop drinking (this is going to be the hardest). Then I believe I can slowly lose some weight, introduce exercise, work on getting out of my flat. At that point I might be capable of looking for love again.

Am partly looking for words of wisdom, partly just getting all this off my chest because I won't admit to anyone I know in real life how badly I screwed things up last year.