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It's just that he was the kindest man I had ever met and I had never experienced that sort of unconditional love and regard from anyone, let alone a man. I thought he was brilliant. He IS brilliant. He is accepting and good and has always thought of me
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Brianna, what he did to you was classic. Unless someone has experienced it for themselves, its very hard to understand. These types are masters of the art of seduction. They seem SO special. They make you feel so special. In the early days, they make you feel that this is IT - this is the love that was meant to be! Then they begin to withdraw because they can't sustain the act. You are left feeling bewildered and confused. Was it something you did? They are quick to let you know that it WAS! They come back again, but its not like it was before. Then they retreat again in a game of cat and mouse with your heart.
They are brilliant at a tactic psychologists call intermittent re-enforcement. You can try this one for yourself at home, kiddies. Go down to the pet store and buy 20 white mice, two cages, and a sack of mouse chow. Buy two food dispensers to hang on the cages. Jam the mechanism of one of the food dispensers, so that the lever no longer works properly and sometimes will drop a pellet of food when pressed; other times it won't.
Divide your 20 new friends at random between the two cages, 10 each. Treat both groups of mice exactly the same. Give both groups the same amount of food, nesting material, etc. The only difference will be that the mice in the cage with the defective dispenser never know if they're going to get a food pellet or not. They may get a pellet the first time they press the lever, or they may have to press the lever 10 or 20 times before they get their pellet.
Check back on the mice after a week. The mice in the cage where they always get their food will be leading normal little mousie lives. They'll be running in their exercise wheel, building nests and frisking about being happy little mice. They won't be giving food a second thought. The mice in the other cage will have turned into neurotic wrecks. Even though they ultimately receive the same amount of food as the others, food will have become their obsession. They will be pressing the lever frantically long after they have gotten enough to eat. Stronger mice will have hoards of pellets that they defend against the weaker ones. They will be fighting with one another or curled up in depressed little ball of fur.
I understand why you seem to be obsessed with this man and have had such a hard time letting go. What he has done to you psychologically is very nasty. You are not his first victim, nor will you be his last.
You and I have had our minor tiffs on this board, Bri, but I DO understand what you are going through. I've been there. If you want, PM me, and I'll give you the site for a great support group for people who have had partners like the professor or the ax murderer. What you are going through is NOT your fault, Bri, and there are people out there who can help you if you want the help.