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dear fargon - i'm aware of the disease through a friend, and i feel for you. tough, tough, tough. i also want to let your wife know that her support is admirable as well. having something like that is hell, and loving someone in that much pain is extremely difficult, too. your ability to help them is limited no matter how desperately you wish you could. you are an inspiration, i'll take that with me.
my own story is pretty lame--married to an extremely domineering, manipulative and somewhat psychotic husband for 22 yrs (he used to growl at me "woman, submit to your husband!"), i finally got the courage to leave the third time my kids called 911. he makes $130k/yr, i make about $20k, our 3 youngest originally left with me but since have decided to try living with dad because there are NO rules; no curfews, no rules about drinking under age, no bedtimes for the 7th graders. our youngest has missed 25 days of school this year, but they keep excusing it. (technically we share custody but our 17 yr old daughter recently moved all of her things over there after i refused to let her go on spring break with a bunch of friends unsupervised. he's now letting her live by herself in a rental house on our property. the 2 boys come and go back and forth pretty evenly.) i've tried showing evidence and support 3 times to the judge about what goes on over there, but he believes ex's excuses for behaviors and non-payment of child support. so in order to get away from him (i was bordering suicidal when i was there) i've lost my children, my home, all of my stuff, my financial security, and my sense of who i am. some days i don't think i'll survive, literally. but then i think, the kids will grow up, and i want to still be here when they do. (i know i still want my dad to be here, even though i don't talk to him all that much.) my oldest son is in the army, could get sent to iraq soon, and i want to be here to send him letters and support if he goes. my oldest daughter has a baby girl who may have some developmental disabilites, and i think she might need my help.
i make a point to stay up till midnight every night, and get up at 6:00 for work, because any longer than that and i just have nightmares. i make a point of making coffee every morning because the sound and smell of the coffeepot gurgling is comforting and it breaks the morning silence. and every night i just hold on to the future, when the sun will come up, the birds will sing, and the pain will lesson enough to live through. each day i make it through this hell is one more day i'm proving to him that i am stronger than he ever thought i'd be.
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