[extemporaneous]

it's hard. i have been to countless therapists and i have been hospitalized i think im just out to destroy myself. i taught myself how not to cry from the time i found my mom dead. turn on and off emotions, that's when it started getting out of control and that's why i have multiple identity disorder...separated into emotions instead of people. sometimes i hear voices but not how the movies portray crazy people...it's like sometimes i'll say something and a different voice will come into my head and say something completely different...violent sometimes. i can control them fine without meds so far. yet, lately i've been rethinking my choice not to see a shrink. that's kind of why i post on here to vent. there are very few things in life i have am able to get an emotional attachment to in life and it's very rarely human. although i have an addictive personality (i caught onto the drug scene pretty quick) it's hard to place an feeling to an object like a picture (which i never take) or even smells. on the topic of attachment issues though, i know that he's getting married and im more than happy for him and right now i dont know what else to do. well, i lied. i do know what to do. get off my lazy ass get a job and my own place but who said taking the easy way for a while was cheating in life? they lied. the water thing is horrible we have to pay the state 5 grand to fix something stupid and it's not even our fault, our neighbor is the one who gave us the problem with his plumbing mishaps. it's 8:54 and i just got done cleaning the kitchen, livingroom, office, and bedroom. Kit knocked over 4 chicken breasts...they became hers (i swear she does things on purpose sometimes). but the infamous 'dudley' will be home shortly...i would like to think that he isnt using me but the thought has crossed my mind. but if he's using me, then im using him i guess. what it boils down to is sex...right? im out of cigarettes i've been smoking butts. i should find some papers and roll one...