[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Elspode

And that is the tricky part of all of this. Unintentional pain can and does get inflicted...but it gets inflicted in normal day to day relationship issues as well.

Yes it does.

This isn't my first choice of paths, either. Its my wife's, because, while we are a damn fine couple in most ways, our sex life together hasn't exactly risen to the level of fulfillment of her needs. She's a pretty adventurous sort, far in excess of my own moves, and I respect that.

I'm having a tough time getting my mind around that. I find it hard to believe you are a prude, won't do anything she is up for...or is it stamina?

Bottom line is, she's going to have her fun one way or the other. I think that she'd be perfectly happy with me sitting at home while she trotted it out, but *I* can't hang with that. It ruffles my sense of fair play. So, while I don't have any great desire (spiritual, philosophical) to be a Poly person, I do view the situation with equal amounts of enthusiasm and trepidation. We have, after all, agreed upon this, with rules and restrictions, in advance, so it is definitely not cheating.

Sounds more like acquiesced than agreed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I fully well recognize how intimately we bind, well, *intimacy*, with everything else that makes up a relationship between people. However, when one doesn't have any particular moral or ethical constraints against adults doing to each other what adults see fit to do, well...this is one of the things that can occur.

How about moral/ethical restraints against making your chosen partner, someone you love and care about, feeling pressured into an uncomfortable situation, unsure about their future, doubtful of their abilities as a lover/equal partner?

MTP, you're right...it most definitely *is* a self-image/confidence issue. When I'm not giving my wife everything she thinks she deserves, making her want more, then she feels as though *I* don't want her. She feels undesirable. Now, that may be her fault, or it may be mine, but as Pagans, a Poly lifestyle is viable and not unusual.

Pagan, schmagan..... poly lifestyle may be a viable lifestyle in your teachings, in your spiritual philosophy but that doesn't make it mandatory, or even viable, in your marriage, in your head, in your personal choice for your own comfort.

We have a couple who has been Poly for over 20 years as very close friends, and so we have access to arguably the most open and successfully Pagan couple in our community for insights, advice, apocryphal and cautionary tales...the whole panoply. We did, in fact, spend several hours just a couple of weeks ago discussing our feelings with both each other and with them. We've already been through years of marriage counseling...in short, we're as prepared as we can be for the experience, and we are both veterans of Poly living.

There's a big difference between armchair discussions on what you think is the right attitude to have about how others live their lives, and deciding how you feel about your own arrangement. Just because you feel you shouldn't tell other couples what they can and can't do has no bearing on deciding what you're comfortable with in your own.

I still like to hear what others think, especially non-Poly folks. Perspective is important. I'm not saying any of this to shock anyone or to unduly draw attention. Cellarites are my extended family, in a sense, and I value and look forward to your opinions.

Well you've got it.....oh boy, I get to be the dick..... you're fucking up. You've rationalized, or been rationalized, into a lifestyle you don't want. You've looked at the pros and cons, listened to the analysis, been persuaded life will be better.........BUT, you've ignored your gut. Bad move, your gut knows the truth...believe me...I've been there, done that.