[Pie]

Bush Commutes Pluto's Sentence

WASHINGTON, DC (UP News Service)-- In a move that supporters say shows sensitivity and compassion, President Bush today commuted the sentence of the planet Pluto, which was demoted to a "dwarf planet" by the International Astronomical Union in August of 2006. Under the President's new order, Pluto will once more be regarded as a full-fledged planet, though he left unchanged the part of the decision in which the astronomical object must share its name with a cartoon dog.

"Pluto's crimes have been well-documented," said the President in a short statement from the Oval Office, citing in particular the once and future planet's crossing of Neptune's orbit every couple hundred years. "However, we feel that having to live in an eccentric orbit in the outer regions of the solar system is punishment enough. Also, removing Pluto totally screws up the memory thing we learned: My Very Elegant Mother Just Sat Upon Nine Porcupines. Heh. That's funny."

Conservatives hailed the decision as a visionary act. Noted writer and blogger Jonah Goldberg interrupted his busy writing schedule to post about the decision, saying "I'm pretty sure this is the most brilliant thing Bush has done yet. Maybe some readers could help me out by sending in a few reasons why that's the case? Pretty please?"

Democrats, on the other hand, were quick to say that the decision show's Bush's increasing disengagement from reality.