[Sundae]

HM.

Just venting.

This morning, about 04.00 he woke me up. Not him specifically, but the female voice of the person downstairs with him. I dozed off, but was woken again, twice. At this point I more or less wake myself up by huffing and puffing and checking the clock - 04.30. Insupportable! On a work night?!

So I call his name down the stairs. He responds, "Yes?" and I ask if he can keep the noise down. Okay - it wasn't loud, but when I took my earplugs out prior to calling, I realised that not only were they talking in normal voices, but there was music on too. Which - although that wasn't what woke me - I also feel is unreasonable at 04.30 on a weeknight.

This morning - tired because the adreneline rush of the "confrontation" left me sleepless for another 30 mins - I get up & go downstairs. There's a note on the table for me. Expecting the apology I haven't had all the last times he's woken me up in the last 3 weeks I read it, half smiling. WE NEED TO TALK - S.

I literally had the breath knocked out of me. I sat down. I felt like I'd been punched. Sorry to be melodramatic - I feel emotions physically and this is what happened.

I got ready for work and after thinking and thinking and thinking I wrote on the same note: Sure, no problem. Obviously we can't talk til I get home from work. So reading this message - brusque, all in capitals is going to make me worry all day.

So. No call at the office. I did worry all day. I worked hard, but every third thought in my head was a worry about the huge row I was going to walk into when I got home, and how I could defend myself against claims that I was out of order. And how much of the past would be dragged into the row.

When I got home, HM was quite cheery. Housecleaning as he said he would. Asked how my day was - crummy - I replied, honestly. I didn't tell him I'd had acid reflux all day through worrying. Or that I dreaded 18.00 and had my head in my hands at various points through the day just thinking about it.

So we had our "chat". He was all about, "how can we deal with this so it suits us both?" But he also said, "I'm not going to not do this" and "I finally have a chance at a social life and I need to take it" and "This is going to happen more and more so we need to find a way around it".

I am irritated by the lack of apology, by his demeanour which would have been appropriate to someone arguing the toss, but was overly aggressive given my completely broken response and total capitulation, to the fact that even when he knew he had left a shouty note and I had responded politely pointing out it was a bad approach he STILL didn't troubel to set my mind at rest.

I know it's his house. This is why I haven't said a bloody word about the recurring disturbances (3 times I've been unable to sleep and had to call down - there's been at least another 3 I can think of immediately where he's woken me up but I've managed to sleep again).

I just hate how you reach a certain point with people and then they turn on this wall of ice. HM has been very very good to me. But on this issue he is in the right and I have obviously overstepped the mark and that is that and if I'm a good girl we'll say no more about my bad behaviour. And yet to me (and I know it's my issue) waking someone up is one of the rudest things you can do that's actually legal. It's such bloody bad manners.

Suck it up. Sigh.

Just venting, like I said.