[Sundae]

Just found out I won't be going out for my birthday.
Just got home & was talking to HM in the kitchen. He said, "Don't eat tomorrow night" and I said, "Well, obviously! We're going out for dinner!"

No.
HM is cooking for me.

His first response was, "I can't afford to take you out."
Like I have ever asked him to. I was quite happy with the idea of paying my way. I did wonder why he hadn't made any suggestions re where we went, but he's not exactly a pre-planner. The fact that he obviously decided he was cooking for me and still hasn't asked me what I would like to eat proves that.

This whole having no money thing also upsets me. He goes out (usually after work) at least 4 nights a week. He came back last night with two guys from the pub with booze and food (annoying me because they were playing guitar until gone 03.00 and the kitchen I cleaned was a bombsite today). His money of course. His choice no doubt. But he can go out on Sunday for an Open Mike Night and not on Tuesday. My birthday.

Which brings me onto the next point - he thought he had a date this week. What was he going to use to take her out? Buttons? Anyway she's decided too old. Well he is 14 years older than her. I'd feel for him more if he hadn't been in love with someone different every fortnight since he's worked in that pub. He's been very gung-ho about this new crowd he works with but I've always thought it wouldn't last. Yes I'm sure they're great, but they don't pay the rent and the chances of any of them being in his life next year are quite slim.

So he's warned me that he'll try to be cheerful tomorrow, but he can't promise anything. This also sticks in my throat. Why? Because until gone three last night he was yukking it up quite happily (he found out last night). And when I came home after work at 18.00 he was in his dressing gown, laughing & joking with sleep-on-sofa-guy playing on the Playstation. He really didn't sound depressed then.

But of couse he can pull it out of the bag for random people, just not for my birthday.

I feel that all the above makes me a bitch.
I am sulking like a little girl because I think my birthday is important and no-one else does.
I know I should be supporting him because he's the one who has been hurt and not licking my own wounds. It's non-sexual jealousy in that I am resenting being treated "worse" than other, newer acquiantances.

I know all the above and it just makes me feel more low.

Sigh.

I'm giving up birthdays next year, like I gave up New Years Eve after one too many disappointments.

Okay I'm done.
Happy birthday to me.