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Originally Posted by morethanpretty
Actually yes and yes and yes. They do owe it to the child to give them the support they need in order to succeed (finacial, emotional, everything) even if they don't agree with the child's personal life-style. The parent chose to have the child, their responsibility to the child doesn't end, ever. Even if its a druggie whore, they have the responsibility to try and help them, pay for rehab ect.
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True, until the age of 18. After that it is about personal choices that you make from there on out. I do not feel that as a parent I have a responsibility to continually keep coming back and bailing you out. I will attempt to help an adult-child only for so long before the individual will have to take total responsibility for the choices that they make as adults. Even if they are bad choices. If you are going to become a "a druggie whore", then that is on you. Don't come to me looking for help over and over. It will not be there and to expect it to be there is pure fantasy.
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To me, you're comments make you sound like its all about "ME" from the parents side. I'm sorry but the parent chose the relationship, the child did not.
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Then you mis-understood. What it is about is a two way relationship with your adult children. But the "responsibility" I may have with one of my children ends with adulthood and when I no longer have a say in their life and what they do. The child gets 100% benefit to adulthood. After that they will be expected to be responsible for all their actions from that point forward.
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This isn't just for the adult-child's benefit, a good relationship with your child should be important,
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I would agree, but it is a two way street and that adult-child has responsiblities in that relationship.
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and instead of ostracizing them
A: you have more chance of influencing them to make good decisions
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Try that with an adult-child and see how well that works out for you. Your role is to make them independent contributing members of society. Not be their best friend and most adults will do whatever they want, regardless of the opinions of the parent.
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B: you get the benefit of a loving respectful relationship
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Not always, you hope for that but things don't always work out that way. And it is not because you failed as a parent.
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C: if they're successful, they'll pass along the good fortune because you were a part of them gaining that success.
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Pure fantasy.
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BTW: no when I hurt my parents' feelings it does bother me. I try to minimize damage, which means I hide alot. BUT I'm not going to marry the person they want me to (at 18 nonetheless!), and I'm not going to go to church. Those are my choices to make, not theirs, and although doing so would make them happy, it would make me very very extremely unhappy. Even though I tell them this (and its proven, I've done it "their way" in the past, I got suicidal) they deny that thats possible. So I love my parents, I know they want the best for me, but they don't know what is best for me. I'm not saying that I know either, but I'm a lot more aware than they are.
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Great. Sounds like you have grown into an adult. But because of your choices, your parents have the right not to continue to support you materially. It does not mean that they don't love you if you make that choice. Only that they may not approve of your lifestyle.
Let's do a what if. Ok, now this is not me so don't get any ideas about what I believe. A hypothetical:
Say your parents are devoutly religious. And they do not belive in sex before marriage and all that stuff. You make an adult decision to move in with your boyfriend and co-habitate. Prior to this they completely supported you while you were in graduate school, sent you all the money you needed to pay rent, pay the bills, food, everything, car, insurance, etc. And a little spending money. You are a full time student. They totally disapprove of your actions and you know it but you don't care because you know what is best for you. Do they have a right to withdraw all support and say, look you have a degree, go get a job and support yourself?