[BrianR]

> A Family Christmas
>
> This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
> Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest
> Christmas dinners. It won first prize.
>
> As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of
> panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He
> said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
>
> What they say about Santa checking the list twice
> must be true because every Christmas morning,
> although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his
> poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I
> put on sunglasses and went in search of an
> inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
> things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult
> bookstore downtown.
>
> If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't
> go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an
> hour saying things like, 'What does this do?'
> 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy
> that?'
> Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
>
> I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll
> that could also substitute as a passenger in my
> truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
> hour.
>
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls'
> come in many different models. The top of the
> line, according to the side of the box, could do
> things I'd only seen in a book on animal
> husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She
> was at the bottom of the price scale.
>
> To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of
> imagination.
>
> On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old
> bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
>
> My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in
> during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had
> come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
> with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
> some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of
> milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled
> for a couple of hours.
>
> The next morning my brother called to say that
> Santa had been to his house and left a present
> that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog
> confused. She would bark, start to walk away,
> then come back and bark some more.
>
> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her
> pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire
> her when they came over for the traditional
> Christmas dinner.
>
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she
> walked in the door.
> 'What the hell is that?' she asked.
> My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
> 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny
> snapped.
> I kept my mouth shut.
> 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
>
> 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay
> said, to steer her into the dining room.
>
> But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have
> any teeth?'
>
> Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It
> was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the
> back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny,
> hang on!'
>
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
> eyesight, sidled up t o me and said, ' Hey, who's
> the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she
> was Jay's friend.
>
> A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the
> mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but
> actually flirting. It was then that we realized
> this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small
> talk about who had died, who was dying, and who
> should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
> noise like my father in the bathroom in the
> morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew
> around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
> front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed
> cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
> across the room, fell to his knees, and began
> administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
>
> My brother fell back over his chair and wet his
> pants.
>
> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
> room, and sat in the car.
>
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
>
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a
> thorough examination to decide the cause of
> Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
> suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right
> thigh.
>
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
> tape, we restored her to perfect health.
>
> I can't wait until next Christmas.