[xoxoxoBruce]

1. Go On A Diet
Things were going so well until you cracked open your new diet book and saw ‘Day One: Tuscan Herb Salmon’ and thought, ‘Fuck this. I don’t know how to cook this stuff’ and promptly headed to the drive through. How good are cheeseburgers, dude? Yeah. They’re pretty damn good.
2. Quit Drinking
You weren’t gonna make it until the Super Bowl, anyway. Plus, why would you do that to yourself? It’s like, the one thing you have
3. Stop Smoking
Yeah right. It’s 2009. If you haven’t stopped by now, it’s not like your puny willpower will somehow change its ways in the New Year. You were probably crabby for a few hours and then caved in secretly after you told yourself you’d only smoke when you drank from now on. That’s how you started, asshole.
4. Spend More Time With My Family
No. Out of sight, out of mind. The holiday season (when you thought of this doosey) was magical. Now it’s not Christmas and it’s just cold out. Blame the economy and your cell phone bill for your unreturned calls. And don’t be guilt tripped. It’s not like they’re all-of-a-sudden awesome to be around.
5. Reduce Stress
That was easy to say over your two week fucking vacation from work, wasn’t it? Welcome back to work and the shitstorm that is your life. How are those Christmas expenses looking now, hotshot? Valentine’s Day is just around the corner too. Go roll yourself a joint.
6. Join A Gym
What are you - a millionaire? And when would you go - at 6am when there’s no way you’ll get up or at 6pm when you just feel like going home? Exactly. Leave the gym to meatheads, power bottoms and divorcee cougars. And if you are a millionaire, you don’t really need a gym to get ass.