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disenchanted · 06-03-2009, 01:37 AM

Clodfobble, daff0dil: I hear that. Already it's getting hard to process the good times in light of the wounds (scars to come, I'm sure.) I'm supposed to keep waiting here, for what? Urgh...maybe I don't like that line of thinking just yet. But it's been made clear to me that I'm supposed to do something. What that is, not so clear. She was always very forceful about how she wasn't into tests. "The relationship is the test.", she'd say. The longer the strife went on, the more it felt like her admonitions to that regard weren't sitting right. It might not have been "a test", but it sure came across as one.

So now, I don't have the answers, I'm somewhere between feeling like that stupid kid in class that realizes the test was real and should've been paying closer attention, and some hazy idea of "Wait a second, why the hell am I being tested at all?" There's probably a third (or more) option, but I know I already failed one of her big tests: During one of the serious conversations, she asked if I believed her that she'd never test me, and I wasn't able to give a clear and honest answer. (This failure of certainty was brought up again at a later serious conversation.)

Tonight's new idea is "Holy $#!^, I've ended up in the same relationship again. Someone that's still not quite sure if they could live their life this way, and will (sooner, this time) get busy in the interest of reinventing themselves! Crap!" I'll have to examine that a bit. I'm still reacting to that idea right now. (This isn't sour grapes, but on the surface, there's something that doesn't sit well with someone who on our first date pointed to a building and said "On that roof is the strangest place I ever had sex!" or "Oh, I had counted wrong, you're actually my 21st!"....and then later deciding chastity suited herself better religiously. It's like I got walked into (or caused, who knows) the last day of her "Catholic Girls Gone Bad" period.

Undertoad: Her relationship with her father is crap. I can't blame her for that, as my relationship with my father is crap, but I can see how that doesn't necessarily mean the same thing. I will say that in the latter days, she was more and more upset whenever I'd become exasperated with my father.

All: Thank you all for the replies. I've kind of monopolized the section for the past couple weeks, and I appreciate the input, even if I'm still a little lost. I'm going to go reread the thread myself to see what today's perspective on things changes what any of you had said prior.

As for the last test, I don't know. Am I supposed to pursue her and win her back? Am I supposed to give her the space that she wants? I don't know, but if she was right that "The relationship is the test", then what's it say that she was ready to walk away first?

As was said before, the one who loves least controls the relationship. Truth, there. But if she's in control and I'm supposed to act next, then Undertoad (and others) are right that she's nothing but playing games.

I'm sure I'll be bugging you all with my loneliness and screwed up self-confidence soon enough, but I'm having a harder and harder time seeing that there's anything left to wait for.

06-03-2009, 01:37 AM	#257
disenchanted Resident President Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 81	Clodfobble, daff0dil: I hear that. Already it's getting hard to process the good times in light of the wounds (scars to come, I'm sure.) I'm supposed to keep waiting here, for what? Urgh...maybe I don't like that line of thinking just yet. But it's been made clear to me that I'm supposed to do something. What that is, not so clear. She was always very forceful about how she wasn't into tests. "The relationship is the test.", she'd say. The longer the strife went on, the more it felt like her admonitions to that regard weren't sitting right. It might not have been "a test", but it sure came across as one. So now, I don't have the answers, I'm somewhere between feeling like that stupid kid in class that realizes the test was real and should've been paying closer attention, and some hazy idea of "Wait a second, why the hell am I being tested at all?" There's probably a third (or more) option, but I know I already failed one of her big tests: During one of the serious conversations, she asked if I believed her that she'd never test me, and I wasn't able to give a clear and honest answer. (This failure of certainty was brought up again at a later serious conversation.) Tonight's new idea is "Holy $#!^, I've ended up in the same relationship again. Someone that's still not quite sure if they could live their life this way, and will (sooner, this time) get busy in the interest of reinventing themselves! Crap!" I'll have to examine that a bit. I'm still reacting to that idea right now. (This isn't sour grapes, but on the surface, there's something that doesn't sit well with someone who on our first date pointed to a building and said "On that roof is the strangest place I ever had sex!" or "Oh, I had counted wrong, you're actually my 21st!"....and then later deciding chastity suited herself better religiously. It's like I got walked into (or caused, who knows) the last day of her "Catholic Girls Gone Bad" period. Undertoad: Her relationship with her father is crap. I can't blame her for that, as my relationship with my father is crap, but I can see how that doesn't necessarily mean the same thing. I will say that in the latter days, she was more and more upset whenever I'd become exasperated with my father. All: Thank you all for the replies. I've kind of monopolized the section for the past couple weeks, and I appreciate the input, even if I'm still a little lost. I'm going to go reread the thread myself to see what today's perspective on things changes what any of you had said prior. As for the last test, I don't know. Am I supposed to pursue her and win her back? Am I supposed to give her the space that she wants? I don't know, but if she was right that "The relationship is the test", then what's it say that she was ready to walk away first? As was said before, the one who loves least controls the relationship. Truth, there. But if she's in control and I'm supposed to act next, then Undertoad (and others) are right that she's nothing but playing games. I'm sure I'll be bugging you all with my loneliness and screwed up self-confidence soon enough, but I'm having a harder and harder time seeing that there's anything left to wait for.