[Elspode]

The years between my first wife's departure and meeting my current spouse were a strange and wonderful mixture of loneliness, cockiness, ups and downs, wild and crazy sex with lots of new and different women, really long dry spells wherein I was certain that no one would ever have anything to do with me again...in short, things were a pendulum, swinging crazily from one side to the other, with all things in between. But at least the pendulum kept swinging, you know?

After you've been in a monogamous relationship for a long, long time, and you get out there on the streets again, it is both stimulating and terrifying. Even when you manage to hook up with someone, you then start worrying about "what if they're crazy" (some will be), "what if she becomes obsessed with me and I don't really like her that much" (it might happen), "what if I like her a lot but I'm just a fun toy and a pal for her" (happened to me), "what if, after we get funky, she goes home and I realize that I'm just as alone as I was when we hooked up"...

When things go good, there's no better feeling in the world. You feel great about yourself, you feel renewed, powerful, desireable. When things don't go quite as well, you feel like an ogre, stupid, clumsy, an outcast.

No matter whether it goes well or not, every day you have to trust in yourself, you have to be strong, you have to have at least a modicum of self-discipline. Otherwise, all is lost.