[Elspode]

The Republican version:

Health Care Reform Will Limit Profits -

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones' transcriptionist, Sanjai calling you from Bombay. When your husband's LPN sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband, because you don't have insurance. Frankly, since we aren't likely to get paid the $750 we charge for this simple analysis, we could care less, but there's still some stupid rules in your country about procedures, so I am authorized to give you this advice."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which, but either way, your husband is pretty much fucked. I mean, unless you have a lot of assets you can liquidate. Stocks, real estate, your home, those sorts of things?"

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but I'm going to need a credit card number on file, and there will be an additional charge plus a substantial service fee added on since we're doing the test more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"Frankly, we could care less unless there's money to be made. Now, will that be Mastercard or Visa?"