The Cellar - View Single Post - The Shitjob Chronicles - my personal tales of working with bumfuks

slang · 12-07-2003, 12:56 PM

Hillbilly Nascar

There are many things about working here with all these bumfucks that are strange. Not many are stranger than their racing at lunch though. The first time I witnessed the challenge firsthand, it was sort of low key and informal. We were all in the breakroom talking before the station assignments and the usual suspects were spouting the usual nonsense. I didnt really pay attention until I heard some unique key phrases through the white noise of hillbilly banter.

QuitCherBitchin: Everyone here knows I got the fastest ride in the lot. I've never been beat.
CanMan :W-W-Well, y-y-you can prove it by racing me at l-l-lunch. W-W-We'll see whos got the f-f-fastest ride.
QuitCherBitchin: Yer on dumbass, but lets make it interesting. Let's make this worth my while. You got $20 that says your shitbox is faster?
CanMan: Yer on asshole! (hands a $20 bill to TatooHead)
QuitCherBitchin: Lunch it is. (hands a $20 bill to TatooHead)
TatooHead: Ok, now we just need to go over some rules here.....blah, blah, blah......

The CanMan is a strange but hard working guy. He's known through the plant as the "can man" because he's always collecting returnable cans and bottles. He doesnt just collect them, it's a passion with him. It seems bizarre to me that people like "can man" will put so much effort into collecting and cleaning cans for their nominal value, yet wouldnt even think about taking a tech course for some kind of certification that would increase his salary substancially. In any case, he's a pleasant guy in his forties thats been there for 5 years. He stutters a bit and I've always made a point to be patient with him because a lot of other people arent. I also make it a point to throw my cans and bottles on the conveyor that rolls toward him, so he can easily collect them. This seemingly small investment of my patience and effort has yielded a healthy return as he helps me with information that is valuable. Information like who in management is looking at what defects, and how to avoid them.

QuitCherBitchin is a thin guy around 30 with long red hair and a weathered face. He's a likeable guy although he often sees the classic worker/mangement conflict as "us and them". He ponders some interestingly deep issues and he's one of the few I would even bring up politics with. His whole life's path was apparently derailed by a failing grade at trig in highschool, which is the single reason he's not a highly paid and respected pilot today. He couldnt get into pilot's school having failed trig though he was in the ROTC program, and didnt even try to get a retest. Sounds suspicious to me but he is good at his work and pleasant to me.

TatooHead is about my age, 35. He's got the classic couch potato profile with a shaved head, a goatee, and a tatoo thats says "fuck off" on the back of his head. Very scary looking but friendly, helpful and trustworthy. He works away from the line so I dont see him much but he's often a referee of sorts because we all trust him and he's got seniority at the plant. He's another strange man I would never had even talked to because of his appearance, if it werent for this job. Guys like him kick the asses of guys like me when we wear white button down shirts.

So it seemed that everything was set. During the first break, they set up the course as someone distracted NiteSuper who would have ended the race beforehand if he knew.

Then racetime came and I hurried to my car to grab my digcam, hoping maybe to get some awesomely vivid hillybilly crash pics to post on the cellar. I powered up the flash descretely and imagined where one of these guys would crash.

They started their cars and stood briefly in the midst of each racer's fans.

slang: Hey, you know the company handbook specifically forbids drag racing ?
QuitCherBitchin: Yeah, maybe it does, but this aint drag racing, it's Nascar. We're racing down the parking lot, then turning left and racing down the side of the building. Turning left, just like Nascar! ( very proud of himself for recognizing the distinction)
slang: How on earth could I have overlooked such an obvious difference?

They both rolled up along side each other for last minute instructions, then they were off to the starting line.

CanMan: I'll be Jeff Gordon. (revs the engine) And I'll kick your ass, just like he would!
QuitCherBitchin: I got the hat dumbass! (points to his Jeff Gordon ball cap) I'm Jeff Gordon! You can be Tony Stewart.
CanMan: I dont like Tony Stewart! He finished twelfth at Watkins Glen!
QuitCherBitchin: Quit yer bitchin and get ready................Tony Stewart.

And so they drove to the makeshift starting line and before I knew what was what, they were flying towards us. The crowd was standing at the corner of the building so we could see the entire race. The finish line was a telephone pole and TatooHead was the witness. As they both tried to get the inside lane to make the turn, CanMan's truck slid way out into the field and was moving sideways through the light brush. He had missed the turn completely and I ran out towards the still moving truck, cam in hand. CanMan's truck came to a stop and I could hear him bitching. The only pic I could have taken was of him all flustered, and maybe some tire tracks proving his lack of stability in the turn.

QuitCherBitchin: Haa! Jeff Gordon always beats Tony Stewart dumbass!
CanMan: Fuck off! I'll be back at cha when I get some weight in the back of this truck! Then we'll see who's faster.
QuitCherBitchin: Dont forget another $20 bill! $20 is a lotta cans there dumbass! That's my minimum.

The re-challenge still stands. I now wish I had snapped a pic.......of my first hillbilly nascar race.

12-07-2003, 12:56 PM	#2
slang St Petersburg, Florida Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 3,423	Hillbilly Nascar There are many things about working here with all these bumfucks that are strange. Not many are stranger than their racing at lunch though. The first time I witnessed the challenge firsthand, it was sort of low key and informal. We were all in the breakroom talking before the station assignments and the usual suspects were spouting the usual nonsense. I didnt really pay attention until I heard some unique key phrases through the white noise of hillbilly banter. QuitCherBitchin: Everyone here knows I got the fastest ride in the lot. I've never been beat. CanMan :W-W-Well, y-y-you can prove it by racing me at l-l-lunch. W-W-We'll see whos got the f-f-fastest ride. QuitCherBitchin: Yer on dumbass, but lets make it interesting. Let's make this worth my while. You got $20 that says your shitbox is faster? CanMan: Yer on asshole! (hands a $20 bill to TatooHead) QuitCherBitchin: Lunch it is. (hands a $20 bill to TatooHead) TatooHead: Ok, now we just need to go over some rules here.....blah, blah, blah...... The CanMan is a strange but hard working guy. He's known through the plant as the "can man" because he's always collecting returnable cans and bottles. He doesnt just collect them, it's a passion with him. It seems bizarre to me that people like "can man" will put so much effort into collecting and cleaning cans for their nominal value, yet wouldnt even think about taking a tech course for some kind of certification that would increase his salary substancially. In any case, he's a pleasant guy in his forties thats been there for 5 years. He stutters a bit and I've always made a point to be patient with him because a lot of other people arent. I also make it a point to throw my cans and bottles on the conveyor that rolls toward him, so he can easily collect them. This seemingly small investment of my patience and effort has yielded a healthy return as he helps me with information that is valuable. Information like who in management is looking at what defects, and how to avoid them. QuitCherBitchin is a thin guy around 30 with long red hair and a weathered face. He's a likeable guy although he often sees the classic worker/mangement conflict as "us and them". He ponders some interestingly deep issues and he's one of the few I would even bring up politics with. His whole life's path was apparently derailed by a failing grade at trig in highschool, which is the single reason he's not a highly paid and respected pilot today. He couldnt get into pilot's school having failed trig though he was in the ROTC program, and didnt even try to get a retest. Sounds suspicious to me but he is good at his work and pleasant to me. TatooHead is about my age, 35. He's got the classic couch potato profile with a shaved head, a goatee, and a tatoo thats says "fuck off" on the back of his head. Very scary looking but friendly, helpful and trustworthy. He works away from the line so I dont see him much but he's often a referee of sorts because we all trust him and he's got seniority at the plant. He's another strange man I would never had even talked to because of his appearance, if it werent for this job. Guys like him kick the asses of guys like me when we wear white button down shirts. So it seemed that everything was set. During the first break, they set up the course as someone distracted NiteSuper who would have ended the race beforehand if he knew. Then racetime came and I hurried to my car to grab my digcam, hoping maybe to get some awesomely vivid hillybilly crash pics to post on the cellar. I powered up the flash descretely and imagined where one of these guys would crash. They started their cars and stood briefly in the midst of each racer's fans. slang: Hey, you know the company handbook specifically forbids drag racing ? QuitCherBitchin: Yeah, maybe it does, but this aint drag racing, it's Nascar. We're racing down the parking lot, then turning left and racing down the side of the building. Turning left, just like Nascar! ( very proud of himself for recognizing the distinction) slang: How on earth could I have overlooked such an obvious difference? They both rolled up along side each other for last minute instructions, then they were off to the starting line. CanMan: I'll be Jeff Gordon. (revs the engine) And I'll kick your ass, just like he would! QuitCherBitchin: I got the hat dumbass! (points to his Jeff Gordon ball cap) I'm Jeff Gordon! You can be Tony Stewart. CanMan: I dont like Tony Stewart! He finished twelfth at Watkins Glen! QuitCherBitchin: Quit yer bitchin and get ready................Tony Stewart. And so they drove to the makeshift starting line and before I knew what was what, they were flying towards us. The crowd was standing at the corner of the building so we could see the entire race. The finish line was a telephone pole and TatooHead was the witness. As they both tried to get the inside lane to make the turn, CanMan's truck slid way out into the field and was moving sideways through the light brush. He had missed the turn completely and I ran out towards the still moving truck, cam in hand. CanMan's truck came to a stop and I could hear him bitching. The only pic I could have taken was of him all flustered, and maybe some tire tracks proving his lack of stability in the turn. QuitCherBitchin: Haa! Jeff Gordon always beats Tony Stewart dumbass! CanMan: Fuck off! I'll be back at cha when I get some weight in the back of this truck! Then we'll see who's faster. QuitCherBitchin: Dont forget another $20 bill! $20 is a lotta cans there dumbass! That's my minimum. The re-challenge still stands. I now wish I had snapped a pic.......of my first hillbilly nascar race. Last edited by slang; 12-07-2003 at 01:16 PM.