[hot_pastrami]

I think one thing than many people forget when they look at a situation like this is that every person, in his/her own mind, feels justified in their actions. Even when one is doing something they recognize as "wrong," they feel they are doing it in reaction to something which makes it justifiable. The feeling of guilt is what happens when one creates a delicate contruction of justifications which doesnt have the strength to hold itself up.

If you understand the motivation for behavior, it is a lot easier to address that behavior. One thing that happens a lot in relationships is a degrading cycle... some innocent action on one person's part hurts/depresses/angers the other party, so they becomes unhappy/distant/hostile, which breeds negative feelings in the first party, which breeds further negative feelings in the other... ad nauseum. Sometimes the cycle peters out and time heals the wounds, sometimes it cycles out of control and causes permanent damage, and sometimes one person has the insight and courage to step up and address the real problem. This usually starts when someone swallows their pride and offers an apology, and begins really talking about things.

So, what might justify this man's flirting? It might be that he feels (justifyably or otherwise) that his wife is taking him for granted, or that she is taking her problems out on him, or that her attentions are elsewhere, etc. Maybe her depression is making him unhappy, and so he blames her for the fact that he is finding no joy in life, and feels justified looking for it elsewhere. These sorts of things are likely culprits.

So, one possible solution is for her to deal with the depression. Therapy, medication, meditation, yoga... whatever it takes. If she becomes a happy person, she becomes a better mate. Next, she needs to pay him appropriate spousal attention... not just sex, but talking, spending time together, genuine compliments, and the big one... flirting. Yes, she can flirt with her husband! It is one of the most positive kinds of attention a person can receive, and if another woman offers this where the wife doesn't, he'll be drawn to that positive attention.

If that alone does not solve the problem, when the time is right, she should tell her husband, in a non-accusing fashion, that she is jealous of this other girl. Not "threatened," because that wrongly accuses him of being potentially unfaithful, which adds to his justifications pile. He needs to know that she wants that kind of attention, and the fact that he gives it to another woman, and not to her, is troubling, and makes her feel neglected. This will open a helpful dialog, or he will react angrily, meaning that the underlying problem hasn't been exposed yet. Sometimes it is the brutal fact that someone has fallen out of love, and feels trapped in an unrewarding relationship.

There is no universal solution, so milage will always vary.

I can somewhat agree with FnF's observations, but at the same time, if there was a guy who was taking my wife out to coffee, and I saw her hanging on his arm, I would NOT be cool with that. That crosses some boundaries in most healthy relationships.