[Big Sarge]

What do I believe? I don't know. I'm so confused. I was raised in a strong Christian home. Over the years, I've found my faith slipping. The more I applied logic, the more I came to wonder if God wasn't an alien being. Stupid yeah. I've seen such evil in the world it has made me wonder if there is a God, but if there is pure evil then there must be pure good , ie God. At least that's how I see it.

In OIF III, I carried a pocket New Testament in my left breast shirt pocket everyday. I kept a crucifix hanging on my bunk that a Chaplain was handing out. I even had a picture of the Virgin Mary on a card a Polish soldier had given me. I kept this taped by my bunk. It gave me comfort during IDF (rocket and mortar attacks). I wouldn't run to a bunker if I was in my tent or CHU. I'd lay in my bunk and say a prayer. It should be noted I'm not Catholic. Somehow, I found the icons comforting

I came back and lost my faith totally. On my second tour, I didn't carry my bible. I did have a crucifix from the first deployment. I had some pictures of saints by my bunk that the Serb children had given me. I couldn't regain those feelings of God. When I returned back to the US and was in the Wounded Warrior Program at FT Gordon, I tried Messianic Judaism. It was interesting and the ritual was comforting, but I didn't really find God.

Next deployment, I tried but failed miserably. I even read the Koran. I couldn't find God in my heart. I know it isn't his fault. I am to blame. I tend to over rationalize Biblical events and it makes me doubt even more.

God, I miss you. I hope I can find you again. At least my children are strong Christians. I've done so many bad things in my life. I've broken every commadment (truly every one). I'm hoping I find my way home