The Cellar - View Single Post - Well, This is Going to be a Lousy Situation

BigV · 11-28-2011, 05:33 PM

Posted because it is beautiful and truthful, as only great music can be...

Elspode, brother, I know your pain. I know your shock, your bewilderment, your feelings of stunned betrayal. You know I do. I've lived a full life, and there has been no experience that hurt more. Surprisingly, to me, it was not fatal. It was a surprise to only me though. Many others knew from the begining that it would not be fatal.

Your pain, while immense and undeserved, will not be fatal.

I know you, I know your family situation a bit, we've been friends for years. You've been privy to the most intimate agonies of my own. There are valid similarities in each of our stories. I want to tell you a couple things that are true about my situation, that are probably true about your situation, and that I don't think you grok. Yet.

1 -- Most importantly, you do not deserve this kind of treatment. This kind of ambush IS NOT a result of your actions, your behavior, your quality as a partner or as a man. Please remember this. All of us face situations, all of us make decisions, all of us take actions, for which we are responsible. Sometimes the range of options is small, and it feels like we've been "forced" to act in a certain way. Maybe. Sometimes we have more time and latitude to choose what action to take, regardless, we're responsible for our own choices. You are responsible for yours, and Donna's responsible for hers.

Her actions are a result of her choices. That I can say with certainty. *Why* she chose these actions is not something I can say with much certainty. Please keep in mind they are *her* actions. They are her responsibility.

2 -- Also important, but this will not be helpful until later, I learned when I went through an almost identical situation that my pain, my suffering was directly related to the degree of excess responsibility I'd assumed for what happened in our relationship. I'd taken on far, far more responsibilty for things that were out of my control. In hindsight, this is easy to identify as a very bad idea. But in the moment, it felt like helplessness, unfairness, betrayal. It felt like an unjustified attack, like I'd been framed for the catastrophe. That was my mistake, thinking I'd done something wrong enough to justify such a take no prisoners pre emptive strike. Thinking that my part in our relationship had earned such a response, that somehow I deserved it.

It was this overreach on my part that caused me great agony. When I reduced the scope of what I felt I was responsible for, the shock and awe diminished also. I don't know what happened between all of you. I'm not offering absolution. But I have to tell you, having an appropriate understanding of what was my shit, and what wasn't my shit, made all the shit seem less.

Like I said, this is something for a different season, but I want to plant this seed now. Be reasonable, be honest and you will be able to see what is right for you to be hurt about, and what is not.

I can't imagine you've done anything to deserve this disrespectful action by her.

11-28-2011, 05:33 PM	#11
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	Posted because it is beautiful and truthful, as only great music can be... Elspode, brother, I know your pain. I know your shock, your bewilderment, your feelings of stunned betrayal. You know I do. I've lived a full life, and there has been no experience that hurt more. Surprisingly, to me, it was not fatal. It was a surprise to only me though. Many others knew from the begining that it would not be fatal. Your pain, while immense and undeserved, will not be fatal. I know you, I know your family situation a bit, we've been friends for years. You've been privy to the most intimate agonies of my own. There are valid similarities in each of our stories. I want to tell you a couple things that are true about my situation, that are probably true about your situation, and that I don't think you grok. Yet. 1 -- Most importantly, you do not deserve this kind of treatment. This kind of ambush IS NOT a result of your actions, your behavior, your quality as a partner or as a man. Please remember this. All of us face situations, all of us make decisions, all of us take actions, for which we are responsible. Sometimes the range of options is small, and it feels like we've been "forced" to act in a certain way. Maybe. Sometimes we have more time and latitude to choose what action to take, regardless, we're responsible for our own choices. You are responsible for yours, and Donna's responsible for hers. Her actions are a result of her choices. That I can say with certainty. Why she chose these actions is not something I can say with much certainty. Please keep in mind they are her actions. They are her responsibility. 2 -- Also important, but this will not be helpful until later, I learned when I went through an almost identical situation that my pain, my suffering was directly related to the degree of excess responsibility I'd assumed for what happened in our relationship. I'd taken on far, far more responsibilty for things that were out of my control. In hindsight, this is easy to identify as a very bad idea. But in the moment, it felt like helplessness, unfairness, betrayal. It felt like an unjustified attack, like I'd been framed for the catastrophe. That was my mistake, thinking I'd done something wrong enough to justify such a take no prisoners pre emptive strike. Thinking that my part in our relationship had earned such a response, that somehow I deserved it. It was this overreach on my part that caused me great agony. When I reduced the scope of what I felt I was responsible for, the shock and awe diminished also. I don't know what happened between all of you. I'm not offering absolution. But I have to tell you, having an appropriate understanding of what was my shit, and what wasn't my shit, made all the shit seem less. Like I said, this is something for a different season, but I want to plant this seed now. Be reasonable, be honest and you will be able to see what is right for you to be hurt about, and what is not. I can't imagine you've done anything to deserve this disrespectful action by her. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.