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I am in a weird place right now where one moment i have my feet on the ground or focused on whatever intellectual idea floats my fancy, and then the next i am fantasizing a future day where i'd get back with my ex wife and play with my stepson, or fantasizing that they are here, or wondering what they are doing, or mad at myself for doing that or mad at her for doing this... and wondering how much would he remember of me...
and it's really one moment there and one moment there, sometimes on a second to second basis... it's driving me insane.
many people deal with having to rebuild their lives from scratch my age, but most people deal with their first breakups when they are younger, and most people deal with a divorce when they are older, and most people deal with loosing kids... well, hopefully never.
i am having this all in the same time, and i am just getting into the point where i am functioning again... where i have a clear path for recovery: stay off the smokes, workout at least half an hour a day, shower regularly, get a new job, develop a new skill, earn money, connect with new people, meet new women, move to a new place, save some investment money for rainy days for some financial security nobody can take away from me on a whim...
i can finally get my limbs and mouth to do it, but i can't get my mind to focus on it.
i suppose thinking of them every other second is better then thinking of them every second, but really i am trying to stop thinking about them long enough to have a deep thought about anything else... and this isn't normal for me, i am as hyper-focused as it gets, the ADD antithesis, having small short bursts of thoughts interrupted by stabs of emotional pain taking all my attention is... not me.
in general this whole self-pity shenanigans doesn't feel like the me that i know.
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