[orthodoc]

I should clarify: my oldest isn't blaming me or holding me to account. It was difficult to hear that he believes all of his problems are due, directly or indirectly, to his father's behaviors. That may or may not be accurate, but it puts my role under the microscope as well. My son sees the difference as one where he can see and understand the reasons for what I did or didn't do, whereas there is no 'why' in his father's case. He isn't looking to punish, just seeking to move forward. Distancing himself from his father is part of that.

My ex's abuse was directed specifically at me, although I know his rages affected everyone indirectly. I did try my best back then to get away. I ended up making decisions that I thought would be most protective of my kids. I was terrified of losing custody through not being able to support them financially (the legal advice I got at that time was terrible); I didn't want even unsupervised visits, far less that, to happen. I thought it would be better to stay where I could always put myself between him and them, always know what was going on. If I'd known then what I know now I would have acted differently, but that's a moot point.

I know that living in the past or obsessing on woulda/coulda/shoulda is unhelpful. I have to keep the events of the past in mind, hopefully learn from them, but not dwell there. I hope my recent departure from the marriage at least validates some of my son's perceptions.