[Trilby]

I'm so sorry for Jaydaan, DanaC and IM for all their troubles....and everyone's really.

Ever hear of the Pleasure Principle? It's when we get to die and NONE of this shit happens.

Personally, I can't wait. Cure me or kill me; I don't care which one but do it.

Binged. five days. scrounged some valiums to bring me down a bit softer. I hate; no, I LOATHE myself. I've done everything they tell me to do. I fail, I fail, I fail.

In light of what you all are going thru this is nada. but I want to be well or die. I'm sick of this POS existence, this loneliness that never ends (some days I'm okay with it but not when I'm coming down all by myself and NOT ONE AA PERSON CALLED TO SEE IF I WAS ALIVE. And I go to meetings, I go; I go. I read the big book, call my sponsor, do CBT, take meds and pray.

NOTHING WORKS.
Oh, I know. I'm not 'working the program'. if I WAS I'd be FINE.

if you had a progressive, chronic and terminal disease and they told you the cure was to drink coffee and talk about your problems-----what would you think? Voodoo? A joke? I'm sick; not bad. I have to keep reminding myself that.

and I'm very very lonely. I even miss my ex. I wish I had the guts to just DIE but it seems I've the constitution of a Cossack.

I hate hate hate myself.