[footfootfoot]

Apparently, someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. That poor bastard.


Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realised that you weren't that hungry after all?

There are two types of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"
What a fool, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One says to the other, 'Do you smell fish?'

What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

How does a soprano sing a scale? A: Do-Re-Me NOT YOU ME - ME - ME!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Nevermind...there's no point.


My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"
I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: 'Occupation?'
The German replies: 'No, just a holiday.'

If you pour root beer into a square cup will you get beer?


I didn't want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I started looking, all the signs were there.

I told my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.

How much does a hipster weigh?
An instagram!

Did you hear about the guy who froze himself to absolute zero?
He's 0K now!


Why did Stacey fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

Knock Knock. Who's there?
Not Stacey.

What are three words you dread the most while making love? "Honey, I'm home."