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I'm a bad friend. I know this. I forget birthdays and I don't send cards (though I buy them sometimes and never get around to sending them) and I don't know what to say about anything. I'm good for a ride somewhere and those kinds of things. But I'm damn bad at being 'friends' like girls typically are. I'm bad on the phone. I'm not good at calling people and sometimes I don't answer the phone.
When I read Bri's son's post, I had just written her a thank you card, about an hour earlier...for being there for me when I went into the bin. I had finished one for BigSarge too (it's still sitting at home) and then I read that post and jesus christ I still had her card sitting in front of me.
And I stopped. That card won't get sent. I tried to do the good things friends do and it was too late.
And I didn't go to the funeral and I don't miss funerals I always go to pay respects and I was sick that day and I just couldn't, just couldn't get myself to get myself ready and leave the house and go there. And I can never, ever, ever fix that.
So, there, I finally said it. I feel like a jerk because I am a jerk. I'm angry at myself so as always I am angry with the world. But I am OK. I am me. It's not always good enough but I am trying as hard as I can. I'm really really trying.
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