Maybe you're just not approaching Big Sarge the right way. Try to accentuate the positive and appeal to his sense of duty by describing what you're offering something like this:
Faster than a speeding chicken! More powerful than a tin foil hat! Able to leap tall tales in a single bound! ("Look! There in The Cellar!" "It's a lurker!" "It's a sockpuppet!" "It's WEREPANDA!") ... Yes, it's Werepanda ... strange visitor from IRL who came to the Cellar with powers and abilities far beyond those of ordinary dwellars! Werepanda ... who can change the course of mighty threads, post pics with his bear hands, and who, disguised as Big Sarge, mild mannered Security Council President for a great online-community website, fights a never ending battle for Truth, Justice, and the American way!
