[Sundae]

I had terrible chest pains in hospital.
They were first mistakenly diagnosed by a Nurse as heartburn, so I choked down a thimbleful of ANISEED Gaviscon (barf, barf) and it made no difference apart from making me feel even worse with the clammy flavour of it.

They couldn't give me anything other than paracetamol (tylenol) because of my liver, my low blood pressure and my codeine allergy. Needless to say two tablets four times a day barely touched the sides. It was re-diagnosed by a Consultant on ward rounds as oesophageal spasms. To start with it hurt when I spoke, when I moved, when I tried to sleep, when I ate and sometimes just randomly.

This pain was so bad I was calling out in pain, and it made me cry on plenty of occasions.
I was quite pleased to hear it wasn't heartburn, as the people on afternoon TV adverts with heartburn just made a pained face and pressed a fist against themselves. They did not hold onto the furniture and try to suppress a scream with tears running down their face.

Eventually the pain started to subside (just in time for me to have another round of banding) and it only hurt very badly when I ate or moved.
Sadly, the meals were not well synchronised with the arrival of medication. One morning I was woken with my meds at 06.45 and breakfast arrived at 09.30. By that time the over-the-counter medication had easily worn off, and my first bite of toast made me howl with pain. That was the only bite.

Mum kept telling me I should have soft pappy food, but it wasn't my throat that hurt. It was an intense stabbing, clenching pain behind the breastbone, like being simultaneously stabbed and squeezed. My first sip of water of the day - at least to start with - prompted the same symptoms.

Mealtimes were a horror for days. Quite often the painkillers came after the meal. Sometimes arriving after my barely touched plate had been removed. Quite shocking really. But I understand that I was not the only patient, and being on a gastro ward, I would not the only patient who needed medication to eat. And they wondered why the invariable answer to the question, "Have you moved your bowels today?" was "Not yet."

The Consultant recommended I should get lactulose, but that never appeared.
The right hand rarely knows what the left hand is doing being ward staff and visiting Doctors.

Still - I was thoroughly checked out. X-rays, sonograms, banding, food, drink, drugs, showers, mesh knickers canulas and all. Can hardly complain when it left me without debt.