[orthodoc]

But I shouldn't be. Opening my new practice on Monday, with one (ONE!) patient already scheduled, which is better than none but not exactly overwhelming.

It's been a challenging three months since being fired. My former employer black-listed me everywhere within 500 miles so their competitors wouldn't hire me, so I either had to sell my home and move far, far away, or start my own business. Time will tell. I've never started a practice from scratch before, this was a huge learning curve. Have to think (and still trying to think) of everything. And stay within budget, and borrow frightening amounts of money.

I spend lots of time writing marketing stuff and employee handbooks that are POSITIVE and INSPIRING; I just wish I believed my own copy. In many ways, going out on my own is a good thing, but not what I'd planned on at 56. These things take time to build, and time is not on my side.

I struggle every day with bitterness. I know, I know. What I know most is that I'm terrified that this will fall flat and I'll have hired people who left other jobs for this, and I'll let them down. And none of this had to be, but greedy people made it happen. It's hard not to hate them. I do try.

I worry about my cancer coming back, with people depending on me. I have symptoms that are worrying, but I can't freak out about every little thing. If I weren't taking on this thing, it would worry me less.