|
It just seems like I'm always runner-up for any jobs I apply for these days. I'm like the bridesmaid of employment. When I was younger, I swear people threw jobs at me, and in many cases, promotions. Am I just more sucky than ever or is it my middle-aged-ness? Is it just the way things are going right now?
I'm just so discouraged. I'm self-talking to myself...counting my blessings as it were, and I'm OK...but I am so damn discouraged.
I don't really like my day job that much because I'm basically just the main person's bitch. It's not entirely an unpleasant job, but I use none of my talents, I have none of my own responsibilities, and I feel that more often than not I'm swallowing my pride to keep the peace. I do like my other job, except the hours suck. I really like the people I work with here. I was sad about the thought I would probably have to leave if I got the other job, because it would be too much. But the idea of not having to do the daily "work, nap, work, sleep" five days a week was a really refreshing thought.
So I'm torn between 'hey, I'm doing OK. NOt great but OK. I like some things about my jobs. At least I have that' and 'I'm going to die alone with nothing to show for a lifetime of effort.' And it's not lost on me that I'm OK in SPITE of the self-sabotage I've exhibited most of my life...due to a constant struggle with various issues of the mental health kind. Hey, it's who I am. But I'm at this age where it seems like there should be some sort of comfort zone. Some sort of feeling that I've accomplished something, that I have someone to share that with, that it's not all just the same disappointment over and over.
Well, just doing that 'processing in public' thing.
|