Shooting fish in a barrel with Bill Cosby

[footfootfoot]

We all know about adding the word 'anal' to the model name of a car, or 'in the bed' to your fortune cookie but now let's look at some Bill Cosby quotes and modify them to include his preferred M.O.

I did a quick search this morning and pulled up this list, if I have more time I'll look for some of his more moral pontificating quotes about comedians who stoop to vulgarities (pulling down your pants as he calls it) as I think they would be even more ironic in pointing out his hypocrisy.

My addition in red

BILL COSBY QUOTES

American comedian (1937- )

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

BILL COSBY, The Joplin Globe, Apr. 7, 2007

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

BILL COSBY, Woman's Day Magazine, Sep. 1, 2009

The measure ov overexposure is not how many times people see you on TV or in the bookstores. It's whether you can maintain the quality of your entertainment. If you can, people will always be glad to see you. And if they are not glad to see you, there's always quaaludes.

BILL COSBY, Time Magazine, Sep. 28, 1987

I didn’t like what was on TV in terms of sitcoms—it had nothing to do with the color of them—I just didn’t like any of them. I saw little kids, let’s say 6 or 7 years old, white kids, black kids. And the way they were addressing the father or the mother, the writers had turned things around, so the little children were smarter than the parent or the caregiver. They were just not funny to me. I felt that it was manipulative and the audience was looking at something that had no responsibility to the family.

BILL COSBY, interview, Sep. 17, 2009

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you."

BILL COSBY, Himself

I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, mid-life for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter-miler, whose son now says, "Dad I just can't run the quarter with you anymore unless I bring something to read."

BILL COSBY, Time Flies

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

BILL COSBY, Fatherhood

The game of chess. Supposedly men made it up, and it's about war and men and the ravages and the bravery and the genius of commanding and moving pieces and ... No. It's marriage. The Queen moves anywhere she wants.

BILL COSBY, Far from Finished

Listen to John Coltrane enough and after two bars, just two bars at any place, and you know that's him. We all have signature things that happen to be similar that you can predict and you try to stay away from that except the rhythms: those pauses, they're part of my signature, the part where I know when I say nothing, I already painted enough, led enough and I don't even have to say anything. But those pauses don’t belong to me. Jack Benny was one of the first guys in comedy to make the anticipation so great that during the pause people start to laugh before the execution.

BILL COSBY, interview, Jan. 16, 2011

Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

BILL COSBY, Himself

I don't think you can bring the races together by joking about the differences between them. I'd rather talk about the similarities, about what's universal in their experiences.

BILL COSBY, Time Magazine, Sep. 28, 1987

In America ... the seven ages of man have become preschooler, Pepsi generation, baby boomer, mid-lifer, empty-nester, senior citizen, and organ donor.

BILL COSBY, Time Flies

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

BILL COSBY, attributed, The Gods Are Angry

If the audience knows you can be funny when you want to be, they will be willing to wait for that payoff.

BILL COSBY, Time Magazine, Sep. 28, 1987

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think -- in a deeper voice.

BILL COSBY, attributed, The Best Book of Useless Information Ever

My father wanted me to play pro football, and he didn't like the fact that I'd left school. And he said, "It takes a man to play football. And any fool can go up on the stage and make an ass of himself."

BILL COSBY, interview with Charlie Rose, May 14, 1996

In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.

BILL COSBY, Fatherhood

Parents are not interested in justice — they want QUIET!

BILL COSBY, Himself

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

BILL COSBY, attributed, Humor Me

The day [Phylicia Rashad] got the part [of Clair on the Cosby Show], I was sitting in the back, and women were ... reading with a couple of the kids. And many of them when ... they were going to tell the kid off, started the head moving like a bobble doll ... and when Phylicia's turn came and she was reading with Malcolm [Jamal-Warner] and he said something to her ... there was a pause from her. And do you know what she did in that pause? She did something with her eyes. She didn't bop her head; she didn't throw her hand up on her hip; and she didn't say anything out loud. She cut a look that said, oh, maybe four or five things -- and none of them were good. And I turned to Marcy, and I said "That’s Clair."

BILL COSBY, interview, Sep. 17, 2009

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

BILL COSBY, Fatherhood


Read more at http://www.notable-quotes.com/c/cosb...4u1YkVfkA5b.99

[Gravdigr]

This article, at Vox, is about this article, at NYMag.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I'm having trouble with this. If you know anything about groupies, you know a star/celebrity of his stature was surrounded by them his entire career. And it's a real pain in the balls(literally), when they change their mind after he gets stared. Solution, give them a lude and that won't happen.
Unethical? yeah. No more so than alcohol, pot, hash, or whatever, unless they were slipped a mickey, that's a big no no.

From the VOX link.

At 17, my agent introduced me to Bill Cosby, who was going to mentor me and take me to the next level of my career. Over the course of the next year, I was drugged half the time when I was with him and would come out of a delusional experience going, 'Whoa, what was that?' He would say, 'Well, I needed to undress you and wash your clothes because you got drunk and made a fool of yourself.' Do you remember the Jaycee Dugard story? She pretty much could have climbed over the fence any time she wanted to but was just so broken down and couldn't think straight. I felt like a prisoner; I felt I was kidnapped and hiding in plain sight. I could have walked down any street of Manhattan at any time and said, 'I'm being raped and drugged by Bill Cosby,' but who the hell would have believed me? Nobody, nobody.

Excuse me? For a year? Did she want to be a star bad enough to put up with that? If so, she made a deal with the devil, and is equally to blame. Yes, you could have walked down the street and no one would believe you, but the fact you were walking down the street and not walking away, kind of dulls any sympathy from me.

Another thing about groupies, they're attention whores. They'll quietly regret a bad decision, especially if the accidently hooked up with the bass player, or be bragging to their friends how many and which celebrities the balled. Then something like this breaks out in the news they'll change their story to get back in the spotlight.

Sure, I feel genuinely sorry for any of them who were slipped a mickey and raped. But I'm having trouble believing some of them, especially the multiple victims. I feel if I said he drugged and buggered me, the press would be all over it.

[glatt]

I don't want to be defending Bill Cosby, because I think he's a rapist.

Even though I don't want to defend him, I saw a teaser for an upcoming story on the news last night. Some lady was relating a story about how her friend was almost drugged and raped by Cosby. Almost. The friend had not actually been drugged or raped by Cosby, but the news was reporting it breathlessly anyway. There are enough legitimate complaints against Cosby that there is no need to go reporting on the women he DIDN'T rape but could have if the situation had been a little different. I wasn't raped by Cosby. Maybe they could do a story about me?

[xoxoxoBruce]

Exactly, it looks like some of the charges are true, but this gonzo journalism (I use the term journalism loosely) is out of control.

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

...gonzo journalism...

Oh man, I would have loved to read Hunter S. Thompson's take on this.

That would have been awesome.

[Happy Monkey]

Originally Posted by glatt

I don't want to be defending Bill Cosby, because I think he's a rapist.

Even though I don't want to defend him, I saw a teaser for an upcoming story on the news last night. Some lady was relating a story about how her friend was almost drugged and raped by Cosby. Almost. The friend had not actually been drugged or raped by Cosby, but the news was reporting it breathlessly anyway.

I don't know the details of that report, but it doesn't seem out of line to me.

If that is the entirety of the report ("Woman's friend was almost raped by Cosby"), the sin is in the overhyping and running into the ground of every new bit of info on the story of the day. No better or worse than any other case of 24/7 coverage of a story that can be told in half an hour.

But, as part of the overall coverage, further witnesses (and corroboration to existing accounts) of Cosby's pre-rape behavior patterns, even if they didn't culminate in rape, are newsworthy.

[Gravdigr]

Gasp!!

I, too, wasn't raped by Bill Cosby.

I wonder if there are more people who, also, were not raped by Bill Cosby?

I hope a pattern doesn't emerge here...

[xoxoxoBruce]

That's because he didn't want to wait in line behind the government.

[Gravdigr]

I wonder if Bill Cosby has a guy that kicks him in the ass twice a day, or, if after hollering "Hey, internet, make me a meme!" from the rooftop, he kicks himself in the ass twice a day?

I mean, I've done some shit in my day that backfired horrifically, but, dayum.

[footfootfoot]

Here's a list of American comedians. I wonder how many of them are serial rapsits who needed to drug their groupies in order to get laid. I get the feeling it isn't all that wide spread or we'd have heard about it before.

heh heh I said wide spread

Orny Adams
Ahmed Ahmed
Max Alexander
Ted Alexandro
Dan Allen
Fred Allen
Steve Allen
Tim Allen
Woody Allen
Rabbi Bob Alper
Jeff Altman
Amazing Johnathan
Louie Anderson
Eric André
Aziz Ansari
Ant
Craig Anton
Cliff Arquette, also known as "Charley Weaver"
Dave Attell
Rick Aviles

Ben Bailey
Lucille Ball
Maria Bamford
Arj Barker
Roseanne Barr
Chuck Barris
Todd Barry
Greg Behrendt
Richard Belzer
Jack Benny
Doug Benson
Milton Berle
Shelley Berman
Sandra Bernhard
Michelle Biloon
Mike Birbiglia
Joey Bishop
Lewis Black
Michael Ian Black
Chris Bliss
Josh Blue
Elayne Boosler
Wayne Brady
Joey Bragg
John Branyan
Matt Braunger
Shaun Eli Breidbart
Kevin Brennan
Neil Brennan
David Brenner
Jim Breuer
Bruce Bruce
Lenny Bruce
Jeff Buck
Andy Bumatai
Bo Burnham
George Burns
Bill Burr
Hannibal Buress
Brett Butler
Red Buttons
John Byner

Louis C.K.
Frank Caliendo
Godfrey Cambridge
Mario Cantone
John Caparulo
John Caponera
Scott Capurro
George Carlin
Drew Carey
Adam Carolla
Jim Carrey
Rodney Carrington
Carrot Top (Scott Thompson)
Darren Carter
Jack Carter
Dana Carvey
Kyle Cease
Cedric the Entertainer
Dave Chappelle
Henry Cho
Margaret Cho
Tommy Chong
Blake Clark
Andrew Dice Clay
Kate Clinton
Jerry Clower
Bobby Collins
Kaitlin Colombo
Ray Combs
Dane Cook
Brian Copeland
Irwin Corey
Bill Cosby
Dave Coulier
Norm Crosby
David Cross
Billy Crystal
Dan Cummins

Godfrey Danchimah
Rodney Dangerfield
Chad Daniels
Jim David
Larry David
Jeff Davis
Nore Davis
Sid Davis
Dov Davidoff
DeRay Davis
Rob Delaney
Frank DeCaro
Ellen DeGeneres
Lea DeLaria
Frank Delima
John Del Rico[1]
Vic Dibitetto
Nick DiPaolo
Dustin Diamond
Andy Dick
Phyllis Diller
Jeff Dunham
Jeff Dye

Earthquake
Sally Edwards
Bill Engvall
Mike Epps
Susie Essman
Jade Esteban Estrada

Jimmy Fallon
Mitch Fatel
Wayne Federman
Craig Ferguson
Adam Ferrara
Totie Fields
Christian Finnegan
Kevin Fitzgerald
Greg Fitzsimmons
Maile Flanagan
Charles Fleischer
Jim Florentine
John Fox
Kirk Fox
Jeff Foxworthy
Jamie Foxx
Redd Foxx
Pablo Francisco
Paul Frisbie

Jim Gaffigan
Zach Galifianakis
Gallagher
Billy Gardell
Jeff Garlin
Janeane Garofalo
Brad Garrett
Greg Giraldo
Adele Givens
Nikki Glaser
Todd Glass
Donald Glover
Judy Gold
Whoopi Goldberg
Bobcat Goldthwait
Bob Golub
Marga Gomez
Gilbert Gottfried
Dana Gould
Shecky Greene
Dick Gregory
James Gregory
David Alan Grier
Eddie Griffin
Kathy Griffin
Andy Griffith
Gary Gulman

Buddy Hackett
Brian Haley
Arsenio Hall
Nathan Hall
Rich Hall
Neil Hamburger
Ashley Hamilton
Darrell Hammond
Stanley Myron Handelman
Chelsea Handler
Chris Hardwick
Johnny Hardwick
Ralph Harris
Kevin Hart
Steve Harvey
Drew Hastings
Allan Havey
Tim Hawkins
Mitch Hedberg
Bill Hicks
René Hicks
Steve Hofstetter
Corey Holcomb
Pete Holmes
Bob Hope
D.L. Hughley
Reginald D Hunter

Gabriel Iglesias
Dom Irrera

Clinton Jackson
Kevin James
Richard Jeni
Anthony Jeselnik
Maz Jobrani
Jake Johannsen
Tommy Johnagin
Leslie Jordan
Jimmy Carr

Aron Kader
Cory Kahaney
Moshe Kasher
Andy Kaufman
Jamie Kennedy
Jimmy Kimmel
Kyle Kinane
Andy Kindler
Alan King
Sam Kinison
Jen Kirkman
Robert Klein
Jeff Klinger
Don Knotts
Rebekah Kochan
Hari Kondabolu
Lynne Koplitz
Jo Koy
Nick Kroll
Esther Ku

Lisa Lampanelli
Lisa Landry
Artie Lange
Larry the Cable Guy (Daniel Lawrence Whitney)
Lynn Lavner
Martin Lawrence
Denis Leary
Natasha Leggero
John Leguizamo
Tom Lehrer
Carol Leifer
Jay Leno
Brian Leonard
David Letterman
Emily Levine
Bob Levy
Richard Lewis
Wendy Liebman
Rob Little
Jay London
George Lopez
Jason Love
Loni Love
Jon Lovitz
Stephen Lynch
Paul Lynde

Moms Mabley
Bernie Mac
Norm Macdonald
Kathleen Madigan
Al Madrigal
Bill Maher
Keith Malley
Cheech Marin
Mike Marino
Bob Marley
Marc Maron
Steve Martin
Demetri Martin
Marilyn Martinez
Jackie Martling
Jackie Mason
Etta May
Ralphie May
Melissa McCarthy
Jonny McGovern
Joel McHale
Kevin Meaney
Anne Meara
Carlos Mencia
Russ Meneve
Seth Meyers
Dennis Miller
George Miller
Larry Miller
T. J. Miller
Dan Mintz
Eugene Mirman
Finesse Mitchell
Mo'Nique
Tracy Morgan
Paul Mooney
Rudy Ray Moore
Kevin Moyers
John Mulaney
Charlie Murphy
Eddie Murphy
Noel Murphy

Kumail Nanjiani
Bob Nelson
Bob Newhart
Adam Newman
Lance Norris
Jim Norton
Tig Notaro
B.J. Novak

Sammy Obeid
Dean Obeidallah
Conan O'Brien
Rosie O'Donnell
Paul Ogata
Patrice O'Neal
Patton Oswalt
Gary Owen

Jimmy Pardo
Chelsea Peretti
Minnie Pearl
Russell Peters
Emo Philips
John Pinette
Aubrey Plaza
Tommy Pope
Brian Posehn
Paula Poundstone
Marc Price
Freddie Prinze
Greg Proops
Paul Provenza
Richard Pryor

Colin Quinn

David Race
Brian Regan
Dennis Regan
Paul Reiser
Michael Richards
Don Rickles
Joan Rivers
Tony T. Roberts
Jeanne Robertson
Craig Robinson
Chris Rock
Paul Rodriguez
Joe Rogan
Seth Rogen
Ray Romano
Jeffrey Ross
Rita Rudner
Chris Rush
Nipsey Russell

Bob Saget
Mark Saltveit
Tim Sample
Adam Sandler
Edwin San Juan
Lewis Schaffer
Mark Schiff
Robert Schimmel
Amy Schumer
Jerry Seinfeld
Garry Shandling
Rick Shapiro
Brad Sherwood
Iliza Shlesinger
Ron Shock
Craig Shoemaker
Ritch Shydner
Sarah Silverman
Red Skelton
Brad Slaight
Bobby Slayton
Yakov Smirnoff
Margaret Smith
Sommore
David Spade
Doug Stanhope
Brody Stevens
Jon Stewart
Ryan Stiles
Jerry Stiller
Brad Stine
Fred Stoller
Ryan Stout
Nick Swardson
Wanda Sykes

Tim Tayag
Judy Tenuta
Danny Thomas
Jimmy Tingle
Christopher Titus
Lily Tomlin
Paul F. Tompkins
Daniel Tosh
Rosie Tran
Fred Travalena
Greg Travis
Chris Tucker
Tom Segura

Baron Vaughn
Rich Vos

Jimmie Walker
Greg Warren
Damon Wayans
Keenen Ivory Wayans
Shawn Wayans
Brent Weinbach
Suzanne Westenhoefer
Ron White
Harland Williams
Katt Williams
Robin Williams
Flip Wilson
Michael Winslow
Jonathan Winters
Mark Wirtz
Harris Wittels
Dennis Wolfberg
Steven Wright
George Wallace

Henny Youngman

[xoxoxoBruce]

Milton Berle had 'em lining up at the door. He claimed to have the biggest dick in Hollywood.

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Milton Berle had 'em lining up at the door. He claimed to have the biggest dick in Hollywood.

I heard a guy on the radio, years ago, talking about the subject of Milton Berle's dick. Apparently, it was not a secret that old Uncle Milty could embarrass a horse. This guy said he actually met Berle once, and, just because it's one of those things ya do, I guess, he just ask him straight out (heheh, I said straight out) "Just how big is it, Milt?" Milt's supposed reply was:

"I don't know, kid, I just take out enough to win."