Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 25

lookout123 · 10-31-2004, 12:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago democratic congressman Mel Reynolds to Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll.

Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree. Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and lies to the Federal Election Commission.

He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.

This is a first in American politics:
An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate...
won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate...
then was hired ! by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate.

His new job? Youth counselor.

i'm glad you posted that bruce - i came across that little tidbit several months ago but knew i couldn't post it without being slammed for being some sort of neocon prick. i think the whole thing was pretty damned hilarious.

xoxoxoBruce · 10-31-2004, 03:20 PM

Just because you didn't post it doesn't mean you're not a neocon prick.

Seriously though, why this attack of thin skin?
btw- Somebody told me the state police caught some of our local Dems coming out of the Chester, PA, state prison on Friday night. They supposedly had boxes of absentee ballots and some sleazily dressed women with them. I haven't seen anything on the news but I've been pretty busy.

Troubleshooter · 10-31-2004, 03:40 PM

Here in La there is a push to get ballots into the prison for the people awaiting trial. As long as they aren't already convicted of some other felony I'm fine with that.

lookout123 · 10-31-2004, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Seriously though, why this attack of thin skin?

don't misunderstand, it isn't a case of thin skin or anything like that. it is just the realization that like the nation in general, the cellar in particular holds some personalities who are wound so tight they are about to pop over the upcoming election. i enjoy interacting with most cellarites, so with my observation of the tension level in mind i'm just choosing to avoid most things political right now.

like i've said before - from the available list of choices i think bush is most closely matches my priorities and world view. i want him to win. i have concerns with a kerry victory. BUT - i don't believe either choice will be cataclysmic. many around here do.

so until after the election is settled i will avoid most of the political discussions and jabs here.

Cyber Wolf · 11-09-2004, 12:45 PM

It would seem not everything in my Email box is garbage...

Quote:

A magical fairy told a married couple, "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish."

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband," said the wife The fairy moved her magic stick and...abracadabra!... Two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and....abracadabra! Suddenly the husband was 90 years old
Men might be jerks. But fairies are Female.

footfootfoot · 11-09-2004, 08:49 PM

Two dutch girls are riding their bikes through the streets of Amsterdam, as it starts getting late they realize they are pretty far from home. Anxiously, one girl leans toward her friend and says:
"You know, I've never come this way before."

Her friend replies:
"It's the cobblestones."

footfootfoot · 11-09-2004, 08:59 PM

A blonde is driving her car and it just conks out. She calls the garage and they send someone over to look at it. The mechanic lokks under the hood for a while and fiddles around a bit, then starts the car.
"What's the deal with the car?" Asks the Blonde.

"Aw, just crap in the carburator." He says.

"Really? How often do I have to do that?"

404Error · 11-10-2004, 10:48 AM

George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive.

She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."

"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?"

Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.

Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'".

alphageek31337 · 11-10-2004, 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

i'm glad you posted that bruce - i came across that little tidbit several months ago but knew i couldn't post it without being slammed for being some sort of neocon prick. i think the whole thing was pretty damned hilarious.

Note from the left: Jessie Jackson really doesn't count anymore, not even to us. You may fire away, and I can promise you that I won't be jumping to his defense, and most of us lefties would probably be sticking with me.

wolf · 11-10-2004, 12:24 PM

Does that mean that we can tell the airplane joke and use the n-word too?

wolf · 11-10-2004, 12:42 PM

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to
call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners of war."

flippant · 11-10-2004, 12:53 PM

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.........

Let's go ride bikes!!

flippant · 11-10-2004, 01:18 PM

I'm a light bulb joke fan...........
How many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?........

YOU DON'T KNOW YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!

And.........
P.S. For the people that think I am Mari.....I now have undeniable proof I'm not!

Elspode · 11-10-2004, 01:41 PM

Well, I'm not one of those who necessarily think that you are Mari, but just for the sake of argument, what's the proof?

wolf · 11-11-2004, 12:52 PM

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

10-31-2004, 03:20 PM	#362
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Just because you didn't post it doesn't mean you're not a neocon prick. Seriously though, why this attack of thin skin? btw- Somebody told me the state police caught some of our local Dems coming out of the Chester, PA, state prison on Friday night. They supposedly had boxes of absentee ballots and some sleazily dressed women with them. I haven't seen anything on the news but I've been pretty busy. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. Last edited by xoxoxoBruce; 10-31-2004 at 03:33 PM.

10-31-2004, 03:40 PM	#363
Troubleshooter The urban Jane Goodall Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Florida Posts: 3,012	Here in La there is a push to get ballots into the prison for the people awaiting trial. As long as they aren't already convicted of some other felony I'm fine with that. __________________ I have gained this from philosophy: that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law. - Aristotle

11-09-2004, 08:49 PM	#366
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Two dutch girls are riding their bikes through the streets of Amsterdam, as it starts getting late they realize they are pretty far from home. Anxiously, one girl leans toward her friend and says: "You know, I've never come this way before." Her friend replies: "It's the cobblestones." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

11-09-2004, 08:59 PM	#367
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	A blonde is driving her car and it just conks out. She calls the garage and they send someone over to look at it. The mechanic lokks under the hood for a while and fiddles around a bit, then starts the car. "What's the deal with the car?" Asks the Blonde. "Aw, just crap in the carburator." He says. "Really? How often do I have to do that?" __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

11-10-2004, 10:48 AM	#368
404Error Lecturer Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: CT USA Posts: 826	Celebratory Lunch George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad." "Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?" Bush answers, "How about a quickie?" Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff. Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'". __________________ "To disarm the people is the most effectual way to enslave them." ~George Mason~

11-10-2004, 12:24 PM	#370
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Does that mean that we can tell the airplane joke and use the n-word too? __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

11-10-2004, 12:42 PM	#371
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners of war." __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

11-10-2004, 12:53 PM	#372
flippant shameless....so stop trying so hard....-me Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Colorado location* Posts: 215	How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?......... Let's go ride bikes!! __________________ - I know we won't meet again in the season of blossoms, And I won't sit quietly by drunk in my chamber- YU HSUAN- CHI Ninth Century, CHANG' AN

11-10-2004, 01:18 PM	#373
flippant shameless....so stop trying so hard....-me Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Colorado location* Posts: 215	I'm a light bulb joke fan........... How many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?........ YOU DON'T KNOW YOU WEREN'T THERE!!! And......... P.S. For the people that think I am Mari.....I now have undeniable proof I'm not! __________________ - I know we won't meet again in the season of blossoms, And I won't sit quietly by drunk in my chamber- YU HSUAN- CHI Ninth Century, CHANG' AN

11-10-2004, 01:41 PM	#374
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	Well, I'm not one of those who necessarily think that you are Mari, but just for the sake of argument, what's the proof? __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

11-11-2004, 12:52 PM	#375
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes, it is, Sister." "Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here." __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis Last edited by wolf; 11-11-2004 at 12:54 PM.

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