Humor...I Need Humor...

[capnhowdy]

I used to take this fat bitch out to eat at McDonald's............just so I could watch the sign change.............

Took her to a "nice" place. She googled the menu for 10 mins, then told the waiter: "Yes , this will be fine".

....couldn't take her to the bar, tho.... every time she'd sit down a barstool would disappear...........

[plthijinx]

this is just too damn funny!chemistry exam

[jinx]

.

[plthijinx]

there is a social worker, an ex-convict, 5 Boy Scouts, and a priest in
a plane. The pilot tells them that the plane is about to crash and
that there are only 5 parachutes left. The social worker says that
they should give the parachutes to the boy scouts. The ex-xonvict says
screw the boy scouts, and the priest says do we have enough time?

[LCanal]

John's fellow golfers were perplexed one evening to see John at the Club with a pair of women's panties on his upper-arm.

Somewhat used to John's tendencies, they let it go and went about getting ready.
The game wore on; John sunk some good putts, the other guy's had puzzled expression on their faces but no one dared ask about the panties.
After the game Harry walked up to John and gently whispered to him.

"Er John," he said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you, but we're a bit worried that you seem to be wearing a pair of women's panties on your arm.

“Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble."

"Oh no," John grinned. "It's The Patch. I'm trying to quit."

[LCanal]

A guy was at the JW Marriot Hotel in Paris jet lagged, couldn't sleep and was feeling lonely so he thought I'll get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone books.
He decided to call one named Erogeonique, a lovely girl - bending over in the photo - young and beautiful.
So he picked up the phone and I dialed the number.
"Halloow?" the woman says.
"Hi, I understand you do massage. I'd like you to come to my room and give
me a massage. No, wait... I want sex! I'm talking kinky, the whole night.
You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, bring toys. Do the lot, all night
tie me up; cover me with strange substances, anything. Now how does that
sound?"
She says, "That sound very fantastic! But for outside line, you press 9."'

[LCanal]

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.

They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.

They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lent season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

[zippyt]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customersand said,
"About 2 hours "
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How longbefore I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."
The guy left.
The barber turned a friend and said,
"Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,
"Your house."

[plthijinx]

how to tell if your poor......

[Queen of the Ryche]

We sooo need to get one of those for Bruce's collection.

[plthijinx]

I know, I was wondering whether to post it here or on the doodads thread but seeing as how I almost fell out of my chair I decided here....

[Cyclefrance]

The Brits are renowned for their preference for the long story joke, so, as not to disappoint:

Two guys were strolling round a fairground when they came across a wrestling booth. ‘Spend 3 minutes with Abdul the Turk and win $300!’ proclaimed the sign outside and above a picture of a hairy, greasy, bear-like, snarling and well-muscled individual.

‘Hmm’, said one of the pals, ‘I might give that a try – I could certainly do with the money.’
‘What makes you so sure you could win?’ queried his friend, ‘I can’t see you getting the better of that guy’
‘I wouldn’t need to fight him. I was a medallist sprinter at college and all I need to do is dodge him and out-run him. I reckon I’m quick enough to do that’

His friend wasn’t so convinced, but try as he may he couldn’t talk his foolhardy companion out of his idea, and 15 minutes later saw the two of them by the ringside, the ambitious challenger sitting on the stool in his corner of the ring and dressed appropriately for the occasion. The second appointed to the challenger gave some advice:

‘You’ll be all right so long as Abdul doesn’t get hold of you – and if he does, then whatever you do avoid his trademark hold – the double pretzel – no one has escaped it yet’

The bell rang and they were off. The Turk leapt at the young challenger who gracefully dodged his attack and proceeded to dance and sprint around the ring, dodging and weaving from every lunge and thrust successfully. Half way through the round he was still untouched and the Turk was not looking too pleased about this at all.

The Turk closed in once more, and just as it looked as though the challenger would be caught he performed the most remarkable turn and once again side-stepped the Turks’s angry grasp. But this time it had been too brave a move, for as he sought to straighten himself, the challenger’s foot slipped on a pool of sweat that had gathered on the canvas. He lost his balance and fell. The Turk was on him immediately.

The crowd roared and cheered – ‘ double pretzel, double pretzel, DOUBLE PRETZEL!’ they chanted, louder and louder.

The Turk took control. First one leg swung up, and over and down, then the other. Then an arm followed the same route, then the other. It looked to be all over as the Turk used his weight and strength to literally tie his opponent in knots. The Turk crouched down to lift the tangled mess from the floor and raise the shattered body above his head for the final blow.

The crowd roared even louder. Then suddenly, as if by magic, the challenger sprung free and seemed to have found a new strength. He slid behind the Turk and was able to hit behind his knees knocking him to the ground. Before the Turk could regain himself the bell sounded to end the round. The challenger had survived against all odds. The crowd went mad, and the brave opponent was carried from the ring to his dressing room

Some thirty minutes later, money collected and wounds dressed, he hobbled out to meet his friend.

‘My god, I thought you were done for, how on earth did you do it?

Well, I tell you, I thought it was curtains too. When he tied up my limbs my vision blurred and I thought I would pass out. Then for a brief few seconds I regained my sight and suddenly saw this pair of testicles hanging just in front of my face. I thought this was my last and only chance. With luck I could just reach them if I made a real effort, so I opened my mouth and stretched my neck forwards as far as I could, and took an enormous bite, clamping my teeth hard together and definitely into one of the them. And do you know, I would never have believed, had I not witnessed it myself, the strength that a person could generate by biting into his own bollocks!

[Kagen4o4]

Q: how many impressionible young catholic school girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100, 1 to change it and 99 to question their sexuallity

[xoxoxoBruce]

Why It’s Wonderful To Be A Woman
1. When a ship sinks, women (and children) get off first.
2. A woman can hug her best friend without worrying she'll think she's gay.
3. Women can talk to members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
4. A woman can never be blamed if it's wet on the floor around the toilet bowl.
5. If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being neglected.
6. Women are capable of doing at least two things to a passable standard at the same time.
7. Women live longer than men.
8. Women know how to cover up spots and other facial blemishes.
9. If a woman inexplicably disappears for two weeks, one of her friends will notice.
10. Women mature earlier than men (some men never mature at all).
11. There are times when chocolate is really the answer to all woman's problems.
12. Women don't feel uncomfortable with gay waiters or hairdressers.
13. A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
14. Women know the truth about whether size matters...
15. A woman can take a drive without trying to beat her best time.
16. If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know.
17. Women are can go longer than five minutes without thinking about either sex or football.
18. Women never lust after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
19. Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
20. Women can cry and get off a speeding ticket.
21. A woman can get a whole new lease on life just by changing her lipstick.
22. A woman can congratulate her team-mate without ever touching her rear.
23. Women don't have to worry about catching anything important in their zipper.
24. If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she's cute.
25. Women can admit to others when they've made a mistake
26. If a woman cries, she's sensitive; if a man cries, he's a wimp.
27. Women know who their children are without having a DNA test.
28. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mummy's boy.
29. Women can wear platforms - which is why there is no short woman's complex.
30. Women can watch one TV channel at a time without getting bored.
31. Women have total control over their eyebrows.
32. Women can get drunk quicker and cheaper than men.
33. A woman's friend won't try to persuade her to get a tattoo while she's drunk.
34. A woman won't drive to Hell and back before she asks for directions.
35. Women aren't covered with hair like shag carpeting.
36. Woman don't feel threatened if their partner earns more than they do.
37. For women, a new season means a whole new wardrobe.
38. Women know exactly what buttons to push to get exactly what they want.
39. Women don't think reading the manual is a betrayal of all their species stands for.
40. Women can keep pot plants alive for more than a week.

[Kagen4o4]

that was beautiful bruce. there wasnt one of those where i thought "only for a special case"