Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

I'd ball gag that tart.

[Kagen4o4]

they cant baaaa when they're dead either...

...did i just say that out loud??

[wolf]

A Christian, a Wiccan, and a Sorceror were taking a whizz in a public restroom. The Christian finished first, and proceeded to scrub his hands thoroughly, to the elbow, saying, "We Christians have learned to be clean." The Wiccan finished next, and barely wet his fingertips, saying, "We Wiccans have learned to respect Mother Earth and preserve her resources." The Sorceror zipped up and headed for the door, saying, "We Sorcerors have learned not to piss on our hands."

[xoxoxoBruce]

sevot yhtils eht dna ,gillirb sawT'
;ebaw eht ni elbmig dna eryg diD
,sevogorob eht erew ysmim llA
.ebargtuo shtar emom eht dnA

!nos ym ,kcowrebbaJ eht eraweB"
!hctac taht swalc eht ,etib taht swaj ehT
nuhs dna ,drib bujbuJ eht eraweB
"!hctansrednaB suoimurf ehT

:dnah ni drows laprov sih koot eH
--thguos eh eof emoxnam eht emit gnoL
,eert mutmuT eht yb eh detser oS
.thguoht ni elihwa doots dnA

,doots eh thguoht hsiffu ni sa ,dnA
,emalf fo seye htiw ,kcowrebbaJ ehT
,doow yeglut eht hguorht gnilffihw emaC
!emac ti sa delbrub dnA

hguorht dna hguorht dnA !owt enO !owt enO
!kcans-rekcins tnew edalb laprov ehT
daeh sti htiw dna ,daed ti tfel eH
.kcab gnihpmulag tnew eH

?kcowrebbaJ eht nials uoht tsah dnA"
!yob hsimaeb ym ,smra ym ot emoC
"!yallaC !hoollaC !yad suojbarf O
.yoj sih ni deltrohc eH

sevot yhtils eht dna ,gillirb sawT'
;ebaw eht ni elbmig dna eryg diD
,sevogorob eht erew ysmim llA
.ebargtuo shtar emom eht dnA

[footfootfoot]

ah yes, the borogoves...

[footfootfoot]

Lumberjim and Lady Sidhe, unbeknownst to one another, were headed to plastic forks. Along the way they had quite the car crash and pretty much totalled each other's rides.

LJ gets out of his car and is surprised to be alive and unharmed, he walks over to Lady Sidhe's car and as he gets closer he sees all these bumper stickers on the back: and realizes it is Lady Sidhes car!

She gets out and is also unharmed. Astounded that such a devastating crash left them both unscathed, LJ proposes they bury the hatchet, let bygones be bygones, learn to live with a new, profound, mutual respect for one another etc etc. Eager to create peace, LadyS agees.

"Let's have a toast to our new friendship" Proposes Jim. "I have a bottle of 50 year old single malt in the trunk that I was bringing to Plastic Forks. Why don't we polish it off?"

He goes back the the wreckage of his car and finds the bottle and hands it to Lady S.
"Ladies first!"
She accepts and with a mighty guzzle, puts away about half the bottle. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand she hands the bottle back to Jim. "Here ya go, Jim." She says.

"No thanks," he replies "I'll just wait till the State Troopers get here."

[Kagen4o4]

oh thats nasty...

[xoxoxoBruce]

A woman is resting after giving birth to her baby. The doctor comes in to her room, and he says, "I have something to tell you about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong?"
The doctor says, "Well now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that?"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features...of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis, and... a brain?!?"

[capnhowdy]

now thats funny as hell!

[Pie]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

His funeral services will be held on Monday.

[Pie]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first was that if I ever had to p ay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Cyclefrance]

The Lie Clock

(Hope we slow limeys aren't behind the times with this one - ha-ha, behind the times, get it? Never mind)


A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling
fan.

[Crimson Ghost]

A church van from a Southern Baptist church were heading home from a day-long meeting, when ther realised that a pickup full of KKK members were chasing them.
The church-goers were terrified as the Klan sped past them, hooting and hollering, waving shotguns and pounding on the van.
The Baptists figure that if they can get over the bridge, they'll be safe.
The van driver, The Right Reverend Cleovis James, of the Triple Rock Baptist Church, sees that the bridge is out, and stomps on the brakes.
CRASH!!!
The truck slams into the van.
At that exact moment, a good ole boy cop comes along.
He gets out of the squad car, eyeballs the situation, walks past the van, looking it over, and looks over the truck.
He walks over to the driver of the truck and says, "Hey, how fast was them niggers going when they backed up into you?"

[Crimson Ghost]

A guy walks into the head at Grand Central Station, goes over to the urinal, and proceeds to piss.
He glances over at the midget next to him, and sees that he has a 12 inch cock.
The midget says, in an Irish accent, "Would you like one just like that, me boy?"
Guy says "Yeah. But how?"
Irishman says "Well, ya see, I be a leprechaun. I can gives ya a big member, but the only way I can do that is to sodomize ya. And I need to leave my seed in ya for it to work."
Guy figures 'what the hell, for a 12 inch cock, I'll take a shot in the ass.'
The go into a stall, the guy drops trou, and the leprechaun slowly inserts himself into the guy's ass.
He starts a slow thrusting, and builds in intensity and speed.
The guy squirms in pain, and surprisingly, pleasure.
The leprechaun grabs the guys hips, gives one big thrust, and blasts a load into the guys ass.
As the guy is cleaning up, he notices that his shween is not 12 inches.
"HEY!! What the fuck? I'm still the same size!"
The midget looks at him and says "What? You believe that leprechauns exist?"

[Cyclefrance]

It had to happen ...