Humor...I Need Humor...

[Cyclefrance]

As requested by one Miss Knickerbocker Glory:

Three construction workers, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were working on a skyscraper and had reached the 57th floor. Each lunchtime a klaxon would sound and they'd stop work, park themselves on a steel girder and open up their lunchboxes, but it wasn't going too well...

'Oh, no!' exclaimed the Englishman, 'not again, ham and bloody tomato sandwiches. Every day it's ham and bloody tomato. Has she got no imagination.

'Och, nae!' followed the Scotsman. 'cheese and pickle - all the time it's cheese and pickle. Never a change, I've fair had enoof!'

'Bejasus,' from the Irishman, 'Jam! Sawberry jam. Again and again. Mary, mother of Jesus, why is it always strawberry jam.'

The three were so incensed that they struck a pact, that if the sandwiches were the same again the next day they would jump off the girder.

Next day came, and sure enough as the Englishman opened the wrapping around his sandwiches, he saw the same old ham and tomato. 'That's it! he shouted and jumped off the girder, falling 57 stories - splatt!

Then the Scotsman looked. He noticed the pickle straight away as it had leaked through the wrapping. And there was the cheese beneath it. 'I said I would, and I will!' and with that he, too careered down to hit the ground with a cruel, life-taking thud.

The Irishman gingerly unwrapped his sandwiches. 'It's jam' he said, quite quietly really and slid off the beam to meet the same fate as his two workmates.

Their wives were distraught. Tears abounded at the joint funeral that was held for the three men. The wives commiserated with each other:

'If only I'd known,' cried the Englishman's wife, 'he should have said, he used to love tomatoes, and ham was his favourite meat. I was so sure. I just don't understand...'

'And my Jimmy just loved pickle,' wailed the Scotsman's wife, 'and I thought he loved cheese - why didn't he say something - I don't understand either...'

'Neither do I understand,' bawled the Irishman's wife, 'my Patrick always used to make his own sandwiches....'

[plthijinx]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds
like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look
at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut
off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!! Here are the 10 first place winners in the
International Pun Contest

1.. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says,"I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says
"Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says,
"Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His
goal: transcend dental medication.


6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they
asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they
name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked
the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the
friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to
close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if
the didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only
Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No
pun in ten did

[Cyclefrance]

Men and Women taking a shower - Ring any bells?

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket according
to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your
womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide
loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in
shower. Spray mould spots with tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with
towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile
on the floor. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the
way, shake willy at her making the "woo-woo" sound. Look at your manly
physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your
bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose
in your hands and let the water rinse it off. Fart and laugh at how loud it
sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your
bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry
off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the
whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open,
wet mat on floor, light and fan on. If you pass wife, pull off towel,
shake willy at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

+++

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by cyclefrance

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Starting my morning with a smile!
thanks cycle.

[Granola Goddess]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
you" She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
be
single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils the cab
driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they
get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

[Cyclefrance]

A winter's tale.....

(Don't forget to continue...)

[mrnoodle]

Found some Chuck Norris facts, Vin Diesel style. I feel a little ashamed for resurrecting this, but some of these made me chuckle.

15 Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours.
If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

[BigV]

Dirty Old Man manages to seduce Sweet Young Thang. In the bedroom he responds to her giggles and innocence with straight answers.

When she unzips his fly, she exclaims, "Ooh, a weenie!".

DOM swaggers a bit and says, "No, darling, that is a prick."

SYT never misses a beat, saying, "No, darling, I've seen pricks, and that's a weenie."


<rimshot>

[plthijinx]

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got crap to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck *deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bull**** u ***s im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bull**** u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon
sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right biznitch im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh **** help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: eisenhower hax hes killing all my ****
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun ****socker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city *Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: i didnt click there omg this game blows *Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this **** im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: **** now we need some1 to join *tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoylshti!!!111
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for
****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all ***s
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o ****!
*paTTon has left the game.*

[Happy Monkey]

Originally Posted by plthijinx

Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army

[xoxoxoBruce]

Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss

Yeah...right.

[plthijinx]

I like this one:

T0J0: wtf is nukes?

[BigV]

Originally Posted by plthijinx

Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army

First favorite!

Originally Posted by plthijinx

Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped

Second fave!

Gd 1 plthijinx!

[Cyclefrance]

Seeing as no.2 son is off to OZ for at least 6 months next week:


An Australian ventriloquist, visiting New Zealand, walks into a small
town and sees a local sitting on his porch, patting his dog. He figures
he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog. Mind if I speak to
him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock.)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" (pointing at Kiwi.)

Dog: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good - he walks me twice a day and feeds me great tucker."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief.)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either .. I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded.)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Kiwi.)

Horse: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regular, brushes
me down often and keeps me in a barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement.)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: "The sheep's a f--king liar!!!"

+++

[Kagen4o4]

keeping in the same theme


an aussie walks into a bar in new zealand and sees the bar tender having sex with a sheep, so the aussie says
"in australia, we shear those"
to which the bar tender replied
"i aint shearing dis with no one"