Humor...I Need Humor...

[Clodfobble]

AWESOME.

That is almost an exact duplicate of the joke that started this thread 62 pages ago. The world has come full circle.

[jinx]

sorry about the formatting..



Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a
new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person
will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As
homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short
story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send
another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then
add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending
another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and
so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each
time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO
talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be
written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has
been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out
of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit
established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a
bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through
his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of
his
s eat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress
Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read
in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and
bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the
days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read,
no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the
beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to
become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had
left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to
stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized
poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I
have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of tea???
Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too
many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

(Gary)

Bitch.

(Rebecca)

FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary)

Go make some tea, whore.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

[Kagen4o4]

we've already had that one.

[BigV]

EMOTICONS


We all know those cute little computer symbols called, "emoticons,"

Where:

means a smile and

is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by

:-) and

:-( respectively.



Well, how about some, "assicons"? Here goes:



(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass







..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo...
oo*" "*o.o*" "*o.
o o *o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o \o/ o
o --O-- o
o. /o\ o
o o o
o o o
o o oo
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
'ooo. oo. ooo
o ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,oo"o
o. """""" oo """"" o
'o oo o'
o oo o
'o o o*
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o

For those of you wondering what the smashed text above is supposed to represent, I suggest you quote this message for an expanded ASScii surprise*.








* surprise only valid in editing window.

[thrillhouse]

sent to me this morning by my uncle, under heading "Warning!"

Like you, I hate it when people forward bogus warnings. But, this one is
important. Please forward to those you care about.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a
survey on deer ticks and asks you to take all of your clothes off and
dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM. They only
want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Q ~ What's the American Indian word for "lousy hunter"?



A ~ Vegetarian.

[extemporaneous]

what's the square root of 69? ate something

[capnhowdy]

square root = uncomfortable copulation

[footfootfoot]

zippyT calls his wife on the phone and says "Honey, I just got an offer to go fishing at one of the best spots in the country this weekend. The guys are going to leave in about an hour, could you pack my bags, my rod and reel and tackle box? Thanks hon, Oh yeah, pack my blue silk PJs too."

Zippy comes home from his fishing trip late sunday night and mrs zippy says "how was the fishing trip dear?"

zippy says "It was great, only you forgot to pack my blue silk PJs"

mrs zippy says "No I didn't, I put them in your tackle box."

[xoxoxoBruce]

ZippyT....silk pajamas. Now that's funny.

[Pi]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:

"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown".

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, by shaking him and asks, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says: "What exactly did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn Around!'

[Wiz]

http://www.ssiworld.com/watch/bmw.htm

Every Shepherd should have one!

Originally Posted by Elspode

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Serengeti (of course) sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you
exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of
this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page
report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally
turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs an animal into the trunk of his car. Then the
shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my
business. Now give me back my dog."

[xoxoxoBruce]

Up in Heaven, Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great and Napoleon are looking down on events in Iraq.
Alexander says, "Wow, if I had just one of Bush's armored divisions, I would definitely have conquered India."
Frederick the Great states, "Surely if I only had a few squadrons of Bush's air force I would have won the Seven Years War decisively in a matter of weeks."
There is a long pause as the three continue to watch events. Then Napoleon speaks, "And if I only had that Fox News, no one would have ever known that I lost the Russia campaign."

[Crimson Ghost]

Possible repost...

A little scrawny guy goes into a bar.
He is shortly followed by a big burly trucker.
As they sit at the bar drinking suddenly...
BAM!!!
The trucker backhands the little guy, and says "That's my Karate from Korea."
Little guy gets back on the barstool and resumes drinking.
Five minutes later...
WHAM!!!
The trucker backhands the little guy, and says "That's my Ju Jits Su from Japan."
The little guy leaves the bar, and comes back in five minutes.
He walks up behind the trucker and...
KA-POW!!!
He looks at the bartender and says -
"When that motherfucker wakes up, tell him that was my sledgehammer from Sears!"

[skysidhe]