Humor...I Need Humor...

[capnhowdy]

'preciate the oathes, Bruce. Cool stuff.

[skysidhe]

another good one xoBruce.

and did I duplicate that dar? sorry

[BigV]

Originally Posted by dar512

'
Been there. Done that.

Am here. Doing this.


Wouldn't trade it for the world.

[BigV]

Read the "thx for oathes" before I read them and was reminded of one I overheard this week at camp:

"Holy Mother of Mario!!"



Yes, my boys still use the phrase "a-word", instead of "ass". Endearing.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo, and asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request, but the beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff 'ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

[Cyclefrance]

Elephant's Memory - Touching Story.
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.....

[Shawnee123]

I LOVE that joke. I have been teased by friends endlessly about that one...you either love it or you just don't get it.

Elephant Girl

[skysidhe]

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
" Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you .

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
" Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides!

[MsSparkie]

I'll Hire You!

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.





Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check

[xoxoxoBruce]

Linus: "I'll be a doctor when I grow up."
Lucy: "You can't be a doctor. To be a doctor you have to love humanity."
Linus: "I do love humanity! It's people I can't stand."

[Iggy]

People never listen, do they?

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

[Iggy]

This is an email I recieved, and seeing as how people forward all of those crazy emails I thought it was pretty funny. I thought I would share.

Oh, and the subject of the email was: Thank you for all of the helpful email advice!


THANKS, because of you, my life is better and more safe........



I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. Oh, and don't forget this one
either!

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain
gas companies!

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my butt.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....oh one more thing......
--------------------------------------------------------------------
New Study

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity
read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

[9th Engineer]

SAFE! It was so long I was using the arrow keys by the time I got to the bottom. Of course, it's not in email form now...

[MsSparkie]

Talking to God

A woman is driving round a supermarket carpark but can't find a space.

She decides to pray. "Dear God, if you can find me a parking space, I'll give up drinking, stop having casual sex and go to mass every Sunday".

The next moment, she finds a space.

She says to God: "Oh, never mind, I've just found one!"

[Boss Hogg]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf
> course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
> Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked
> up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew
> what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole
> and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
> He thanked her and went back to his golf.
>
> On the back nine the same thing happened,
> and he approached her again with the same request.
> She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a holebehind me,
> so you must be on the 13th hole."
> Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
>
> He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw
> the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
> He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
> The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
>
> Approaching her he politely said, "Allow me to buy you a drink in
> appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the
> sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
> She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh.
> "No, I won't." He said.
> "Well, if you must know," she said, "I work for Tampax."
>
> With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off his barstool.
> "See" she said, "I told you, you would laugh."
>
> "No, no, no!" That's not what I'm laughing at." he replied.
> "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!

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