Humor...I Need Humor...

[Cyclefrance]

There was this inflatable boy who lived with his inflatable mummy and daddy in their inflatable house. Each day he would go to his inflatable school and sit at his inflatable desk while his inflatable teacher gave the class lessons.

He was a sensitive boy and not one normally to get into trouble, but one day in class another inflatable boy threw something at him which hit him and hurt him. He jumped up and screamed at the boy, and the teacher told him off and made him stand at the front of the class facing the inflatable wall.

The inflatable boy was most upset at this injustice and it played on his mind as he stood there. He noticed the inflatable teacher's letter opener on her desk. When she wasn't looking he grabbed it and full of rage stabbed the teacher, and ran out of class.

The inflatable headmaster was just coming out of his room as the inflatable boy ran by, and the headmaster grabbed the boy's arm: 'Where do you think...' too late the inflatable boy stabbed him too, and then ran out of the school stabbing the wall of the school with the letter opener as he went.

He ran home and rushed inside his inflatable house, up the inflatable stairs and into his inflatable bedroom, where he hid underneath his inflatable bed.

His parents were downstairs and hadn't see him rush in, but they did hear the sound of the siren as the inflatable police car sped towards their house and screeched to a halt. Out stepped two inflatable policemen who went to the house and rang the bell. The boy's parents answered.

'What is it?' they asked, 'is something wrong?'

'I'm afraid your son has been very naughty. We know he is here. You had better fetch him straight away.'

Thye parents called their son and after a while he emerged from his inflatable bed and made his way downstairs, his head held low, and he stood opposite the policemen.

'Now, young boy,' said one officer, ' you have been very, very naughty indeed, and I am going to have to tell your parents what you have done.'

'What is it, what is it? Has he really been so naughty? Is it that he has come home when he should be at school?'

'I'm afraid it's worse that that. What he has done is unforgiveable. He's let his teacher down, he's let the headmaster down, and, worst of all, he's let the whole school down!'

[Happy Monkey]

[xoxoxoBruce]

Michael Jackson Wants to Be Startin’ Something
The King of Pop makes his first foray into electoral politics.

Oct. 3, 2006 - In a stunning development that could radically alter the electoral landscape in the upcoming midterm congressional elections, the singer Michael Jackson announced today that he would run for the seat vacated last Friday by former Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.).

Jackson told reporters that he had never shown much interest in politics before, but added, "When I started reading about Mark Foley, I realized that the House of Representatives was my kind of place."
The platinum-selling recording artist drew big crowds in his first day of campaigning, delighting onlookers in Orlando by getting out of his limo and dancing on its roof.
But in one regrettable gaffe for the novice politician, Jackson kissed a baby in Daytona Beach and then dangled the child from a hotel balcony.
"My bad," Jackson later said.

House Republicans expressed muted support for Jackson's election bid, with Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert saying that he knew of nothing in the singer's past that would prevent him from serving ably in the House.
"Michael Jackson has done a lot of positive things, especially in the field of mentoring," Hastert said.

According to Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and observer of the entertainment scene, transforming himself from King of Pop to congressman from Florida could prove to be a shrewd image makeover for the tabloid-ready Jackson.
"In the outside world, Michael Jackson seems weird and maybe even a freak," Schlantz said. "But once he's in Congress he'll seem perfectly normal."

Elsewhere:
In Stockholm, the Nobel Prize in chemistry was awarded to Barry Bonds.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Avast! Ye Scurvy Gentlemen
In new poll on ethics, the public ranks Congress lower than pirates.

Oct. 10, 2006 - In a troubling sign for the upcoming midterm elections, a new poll released today indicates that the public for the first time ranks congressmen lower than pirates in terms of ethical behavior.

The survey, which was conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute and asked likely voters to rate 100 professions according to their ethics, showed congressmen near the bottom of the list, only ranking higher than crack dealers and lawyers.

Worse was the fact that pirates, who have not fared well in earlier incarnations of the ethics poll, were considered twice as trustworthy as members of Congress, a finding that sends an alarming message to lawmakers seeing reelection this November.

"Pirates received consistently higher marks than congressmen in this survey," said Crandall Pritchard, who supervised the poll for the University of Minnesota. "We heard comments like, 'Sure, pirates make people walk the plank and will slit their throats for a doubloon, but at least they would keep their hands off congressional pages.'"

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, under fire of late because of the congressional page scandal, said that the poll showing that pirates are more ethical than congressmen is much ado about nothing: "I don't think this reflects the unpopularity of Congress so much as it reflects the surging popularity of pirates."

But House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) had a more sober assessment: "Arggh!"

[xoxoxoBruce]

White House Courts the Amnesia Vote
Rove masterminds the GOP's latest electoral strategy.

Oct. 24, 2006 - A man who found himself in Denver with absolutely no memory of who he was or how he got there has now found himself at the epicenter of the midterm election campaign, as the White House moved aggressively today to court his vote.

The amnesia victim, who was known only as "Al" and could not recall any recent events, was instantly pegged as an "ideal voter" by GOP political strategist Karl Rove, who flew the man to Washington today for a private meeting with President Bush in the White House.

"Here's a guy who has no memory of Iraq, Tom DeLay, Jack Abramoff or Mark Foley," Rove told reporters today. "From where I sit, I think we have a chance at getting this guy's vote."

According to White House aides, the amnesia victim's meeting with the president went well, and was capped by Bush presenting him with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
"The guy didn't seem to know exactly why he was getting it," one aide said. "But then again, the same could be said of a lot of past recipients."

Rove said that given the president's success with "Al," the White House was currently putting together a national database of amnesia victims to help get them to the polls on Nov. 7.

"Our message to the amnesiacs is clear," Rove said. "You may not remember anything else, but please remember to vote."

Elsewhere:
A new Labor Department study shows that Americans with no skills, talents or job prospects will eventually wind up on "Dancing With the Stars."

[Sundae]

What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye and makin' love?

A bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love while farting?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus?
F**kin' talented!

[Cyclefrance]

Reminds me....

My wife said she wanted a fur coat for Christmas, so I bought her a donkey jacket

and....

Man who stutters: ' M-m-my f-f-friend calls me d-d-d-donkey.'

'Why's that?'

'He-aw, he-aw, he always has....'

[mrnoodle]

I had some money I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange
window at my local bank. I was in the short line......just one person ahead of
me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. He was more
than a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get
two hunat dolla for yen, today get one hunat eighty: Why it change?"

The teller replied, "Fluctuations".

The Asian man yells, "Fluc you white guys, too!"

[lhatcher]

So you all know European women don't shave under their arms, right? So a European woman goes into a European bar and stands at the end of the bar trying to get the bartender's attention. She waves her arm and a drunk halfway down the bar calls out "Hey bartender! get that little ballerina a drink!" A little while later and the woman would like another drink so again she waves her arm trying to get the bartender's attention, again he does not see her and again the drunk down there call out "Hey bartender! get that little ballerina another drink!" This happens again and the bartender asks the guy, "how do you know she's a ballerina?"

The drunk says "any lady who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

[footfootfoot]

I love that joke.

[Happy Monkey]

If you played "Half-Life 2", you may enjoy this webcomic. It's usually fun to click "Hide/Show Notes" at the bottom of each page.

[Cyclefrance]

Irish guy is walking down a road one night when he hears a woman screaming - so loud it sounds as though she is in real pain or trouble. The Irsh guy rushes to where the sound is coming from and discovers a house with the door ajar. He enters and finds that the screams are coming frrom an upstairs room. He calls out and a woman cries: 'help me, please help me!'

So he rushes upstairs and finds this woman on a bed in the last stages of giving birth - the baby's head is showing.

'Bajasus! you seem in terrible trouble - is there anything I can I do to help?' he asks.

'Yes, yse, pull out the baby! Please!'

The Irish guy gets hold of the baby and eases him out. It's a boy. Holding him gingerly, he asks 'There, he seems all right but he's not making any noise - is there anything else I should do?'

In a panic, the woman shouts 'Oh God, yes, hold him by his feet and give him a good smack on his bottom!'

'Right, I will that.' He says - then with the baby dangling upside down held by his feet, he starts to smack him:

'..and don't (smack), go in there (smack), again (smack)!'

[skysidhe]

Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion.

Degrees F

* 65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

* 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

* 50 Miami residents turn on the heat

* 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

* 40 You can see your breath
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Minnesotans go swimming

* 35 Italian cars don't start

* 32 Water freezes

* 30 You plan your vacation to Australia

* 25 Ohio water freezes
* Californians weep pitiably
* Minnesotans eat ice cream
* Canadians go swimming

* 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* New York City water freezes
* Miami residents plan vacation further South

* 15 French cars don't start
* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

* 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going

* 5 American cars don't start

* 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

* -10 German cars don't start
* Eyes freeze shut when you blink

* -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
* Miami residents cease to exist

* -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
* Japanese cars don't start

* -25 Too cold to think
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going

* -30 You plan a two week hot bath

* -40 Californians disappear
* Minnesotans button top button
* Canadians put on sweaters
* Your car helps you plan your trip South

* -50 Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window

* -80 Hell freezes over
* Polar bears move South
* Packers Fans order hot cocoa at the game

* -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

[Undertoad]

Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

This must be old, they have a dome now!

Suggest substituting Packers.

[Gamegirl]

Let's see if I can recall this... (from jokes with Einstien)

Kid: Hey, I gotta joke! What do you call the ratio of the circumference of a jack-o-lanter to it's diameter?

Einstien: Pumpkin pi.

Kid: Oh, yeah... that's right.

Einstien: It's not funny.

Kid: It's not? I thought it was kinda cute...

Einstien: It's not.