Humor...I Need Humor...

[BrianR]

> John Doe strode into the bedroom , wearing His
> leather Postal Worker's uniform. He sneered at the
> bound and gagged figure on the bed, as He reached
> into His latex mail bag. Jane Doe, a 29 year old
> schoolgirl, looked up at her Master, her eyes a
> mixture of fear and desire. She gasped as He brought
> a knife with a 9 ~ inch blade out of the bag.
>
> "I saw something on the Internet which I want us to
> try," He said sternly,
>
> "Are you willing?"
>
> Jane nodded eagerly and mumbled, "yeff Mather".
>
> John smiled as He bent close and cut her free of her
> bonds.
>
> "Strip", He ordered as He began to remove His own
> clothes..
>
> Jane quickly complied, wondering what new delights
> her beloved Master had in store for her.
>
> "Lay back on the bed", He commanded.
>
> Jane did so. John then laid on top of her.
>
> "Tonight my dear", He whispered while reaching for
> the light switch.. "We are going ...........
> Vanilla!"
>
> "NOOOOOOoooooooooo" , cried Jane as the room plunged
> into darkness.
>
> The above tale is true. John eventually left Jane to
> move in with a vanilla woman. They now have a 24/7
> vanilla lifestyle, regularly enjoying home
> improvements, Tupperware parties and only having sex
> 3 times a year.
>
> Jane was more fortunate and now attends Vanillas
> Anonymous, with help and guidance she is slowly
> recovering. Only last week she was able to stand up
> and say,
>
> "I have the right to more than one sexual position!"
>
>
> Vanilla is dangerous and should not be practiced at
> home. If anyone offers you vanilla sex, just say No.
>
>
> This has been a BDSM safety awareness announcement.

[BrianR]

Married for 1 night....

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very
tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing
to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.""Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a
moment of silence, he farted....

[BrianR]

And one last one...a groaner of course!

> >> Join me in remembering a great icon of the
> entertainment
> >> community... .
> >>
> >> The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast
> infection and
> >> trauma complications from repeated pokes in the
> belly. He was 71....
> >>
> >> Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
> Dozens of
> >> celebrities turned out to pay their respects,
> including Mrs.
> >> Butterworth, HungryJack, the California Raisins,
> Betty Crocker,
> >> the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
> >>
> >> The grave site was piled high with flours.
> >>
> >> Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly
> described Doughboy
> >> as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
> Doughboy rose
> >> quickly in show business, but his later life was
> filled with
> >> turnovers. He was not considered a very smart
> cookie, wasting much
> >> of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being
> a little flaky
> >> at times he still was a crusty old
> >> man and was considered a positive roll model for
> millions.
> >>
> >> Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two
> children, John
> >> Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one bun in
> the oven. He is
> >> also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
> >>
> >> The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20
> minutes....
> >>



Thank my uncle who forwards every joke he finds!

[skysidhe]

http://newsbiscuit.com/article/dysle...stupid-as-well

'Dyslexic child ‘was stupid as well’

( excerpt- read the whole article)
‘We’re delighted with this new diagnosis’ said Mrs Bradley. ‘It confirms what I have always suspected. Henry’s actually very bright. He just suffers from ‘stupidia’. It’s inherited from the parents, apparently.’

[skysidhe]

[footfootfoot]

Spexxvet, XoBruce, and _______ are visiting a farm in Australia and they see a sheep which is tangled up in barbed wire in such a way that it's posterior is up in the air a bit.

Spexx says w/o a moment's hesitation, "Gee, I sure wish that was labrat."
XOBruce says "Yeah, I wish it was SG."
and _______ says, "I wish it was dark."

[zippyt]

Don't froget the hip boots There Footie

[Spexxvet]

Ok, I'll tell. It was Zippy, with Bruce and me.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I know nothing....... noooothing.

[BrianR]

> A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the
> pharmacy, right up
> >>to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
> and said, "I
> >>would like to buy some cyanide."
> >>
> >>The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you
> need cyanide?"
> >> The lady replied, "I need it to poison my
> husband."
> >>
> >> The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed,
> "Lord have mercy!
> >> I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
> That's against the
> >>law! I lose my license! They'll throw both of
> us in jail! All
> >>kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
> You CANNOT have
> >>any cyanide!"
> >>
> >> The lady reached into her purse and pulled out
> a picture of her
> >>husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
> >>
> >> The pharmacist looked at the picture and
> replied, "Well now.
> >>That's different. You didn't tell me you had a
> prescription. "

[Cyclefrance]

Awwwwww.... Shi...!

Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed!
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation:

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt.
They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently
married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them!

[xoxoxoBruce]

An old southern country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

[Spexxvet]

Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?

So you could read her lips.

[Crimson Ghost]

How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?

Trying to read the waffle iron.

[Crimson Ghost]

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to
the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with
President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside
here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is
not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away . . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very
same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton
is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your
answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."