Humor...I Need Humor...

[BrianR]

He said . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants, don't you?

He said . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea -- you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart!

He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
She said . . They already have boyfriends.

She said . . What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . A widow.

He said . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[pourbill]

Guy walks into a bar and says "All lawyers are assholes".
This big fellow in a suit whips around and says "Hey, I resent that".
"Yeah, well are you a lawyer?" he's ask.
"No" says the big guy, "I'm an asshole."

[HungLikeJesus]

Some good insults and quotes

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)|

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend...if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” -Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won 't cure." -Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder

“I was to f*cking busy, and vice versa.” -Dorothy Parker

[pourbill]

HLJ, those were great. Here are some others though I don't remember the attributions.

"Hello" he lied.

An empty car drove up and ____________ got out.

He showed me his library and books of which he had a complete set.

[Hyoi]

Thibideaux said, "Hey Boudreaux, if I slept with your wife
and got her pregnant, and she had a baby, would that make
us relatives? or what would that make us?"

"Even" said Boudreaux

[Cyclefrance]

This old favourite was recalled at the weekend…


This English guy is recommended by a friend to eat at a special restaurant in an old bull-fighting town in central Spain, and to do so on a Sunday.

So the guy books a table for himself and dutifully turns up. The place is full and he notices one lone diner sitting at a table set on a raised platform. He doesn’t take too much notice of him, though, and sets to ordering his meal.

As the waiter is finishing taking his order the restaurant lights suddenly dim, a spotlight falls on the lone diner, and a red carpet is rolled from the kitchen door to his table. Then six fanfare trumpeters appear and, three each side of the carpet, they sound a rousing flourish on their instruments.

The kitchen doors open and out walk four waiters each supporting a large covered silver salver, one at each corner so to speak. As they slowly traverse the red carpet towards the raised table, the other diners are on their feet shouting: ‘Ole! Ole! Ole’ with every step they take.

The lone diner sets his arms wide, a knife in one hand and a fork in the other, waiting enthusiastically. The waiters reach the table and gently set the salver in front of him. As the head waiter’s hand grasps the handle of the cover a hush falls across the restaurant. Then he lifts the cover to reveal two of the largest meatballs you have ever seen. The crowd is now shouting even loader ‘Ole!, Ole!, Ole!’

Eventually the noise subsides and the diner slices into the first meatball with his knife and fork.

‘What was all that about?’ asks the English guy to his waiter, ‘that was amazing!’

‘Ahh,’ says the waiter, ‘it is the tradition of the house. We have the special arrangement with the bullring and we get the criadillas, the testicles, from the prize bull after the final fight of the day. Then they are cooked and ceremoniously served immediately after the bull fight is over, as you have seen, to the diner who has reserved the special table.’

‘That IS amazing!’ says the English guy, ‘I must reserve the table for myself..’

‘Sadly, senor, there is a long wait, and I will not be able to let you have a table for several weeks…’

The guy is not to be put off however, and he books a table some 3 months away.

All the time he is looking forward to his meal and eventually the day arrives. He enters the restaurant, and he takes his place on the raised table. All eyes are upon him. After about ten minutes the ceremony starts. The lights dim, the spotlight falls upon him, the trumpeters sound their fanfare and the waiters enter with the large salver. ‘Ole! Ole! Ole!’ scream the other diners. The guy’s heart is pounding as the salver is placed upon the table, and then the head waiter lifts the cover to reveal… two extremely small meatballs.

‘Hey, what’s this?’ shouts the perplexed Englishman ‘I didn’t order these,. I ordered two bull’s testicles, not these tiny things. What’s going on?’

‘Aahh, senor’ says the waiter, ‘You see… you have to appreciate… sometimes… the bull… he wins!’

[xoxoxoBruce]

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet"
in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "Does your campground have its own "B.C.?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church.
So he sent this reply.

Dear Madam:
The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them.

Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany
you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.
Camp Director

[pourbill]

"KIiss me" the client said to her lawyer.

"Really I shouldn't" he replies.

"Please kiss me"

"It wouldn't be right".

"Just kiss me, come on just once, kiss me" she pleads.

"Kiss you, kiss you, I shouldn't even be fucking you".

[Cyclefrance]

Apologies if you have been there already...

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell
where the devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have
no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to
let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad
as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large
pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a
good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time
after time. >"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."










The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

[HungLikeJesus]

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

[Cyclefrance]

Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday.

She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has taught him over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But, you do realize, don't you, that he's just saying the words? He doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's OK," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

[jester]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she asked. Shaking her head in disdain she asked, "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like
to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at Duke Medical Center , Durham , North Carolina

[Phil]

whats blue and fucks old people?
me in my lucky blue coat.

[Hime]

In a dog park in a very chic Manhattan neighborhood, three dogs get together to chat, and the subject of what breed they are comes up.

The first dog says, "well, my mother was a cocker spaniel and my father was a poodle, so I'm a Cockapoo. We're very trendy."

The second dog puts his nose in the air and says, "Well, that's nice. Personally, my father was a purebred pug and my mother was an award-winning beagle, making me a Puggle. We're the latest thing in L.A."

The third dog looks very uncomfortable and starts trying to change the subject. "Come on, just tell us," the other dogs keep saying. Finally, he gives in.

"Well, my father was a Bull Terrier and my mother was a Shi Tzu..."

[Urbane Guerrilla]

"Mommy, Mommy! -- what's an orgasm?"

"I don't know; ask your father."