Humor...I Need Humor...

[smurfalicious]

THE LEWINSKY and KACZYNSKI


The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the "Style Invitational." The requirements one week were to use the two words Lewinsky (The Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in the same limerick. The following winning entries were printed in the newspaper.


Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky,
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky.
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.


Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress;
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky."


And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.

[Rexmons]

Originally Posted by Phil

A Buddhist went to a Pizza-Hut. When asked by the waiter what he wanted, he smiled and said "Make me one with everything!"

Phil here's the version I heard:

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor, hands him a $5 and asks, "make me one with everything"; the hotdog vendor gives him his hotdog and when the Buddhist asks for his change the vendor replies "change comes from within."

[Rexmons]

heres a long one but it's one of my all time favorites:

A man goes to Las Vegas and loses everything but his plane ticket home. Trying to get home, he leaves the casino and sees a lone taxi cab waiting for customers, parked in front. He approaches the cab driver and asks how much a ride to the airport costs. When the driver replies the fare will cost $16 dollars, the man begins pleading his case to the driver, explaining his poor luck, and that he promises to pay the driver back, once home. The driver, having heard this type of story before, promptly kicks the man out of his taxi and tells the man to get lost. The man ends up walking all the way to the airport just in time to catch his flight. Some time goes by and the young man decides to press his luck in Vegas once again. This time his luck changes and he wins a very large sum of money. After cashing out the man decides to take his winnings and go home. When he steps outside the casino, this time he sees twenty cabs all lined up waiting for customers. He recognizes the last cab driver in the line, as the man who so rudely turned him down during his last visit. The young man, wanting payback, approaches the very first cab in line, instead. Once in the cab the man asks the cabbie "hey, how much for a ride to the airport?" To which the cabbie replies "that'll be $16 bucks", to which the young man replies "and how much would it cost me for you to give a blowjob the entire way there?" Infuriated the cab drivers says "get the fuck outta my cab before I beat the shit outta you, you fuckin faggot!" The young man immediately gets out of the first cab and jumps into the second cab and begins to ask the same questions, to which he receives the same response. The young man does this again to the third cab, fourth cab, and every single cab until he reaches the last cab, who happens to be the driver who treated him so poorly during his last visit. Once inside it becomes apparent the driver doesn't recognize him, so the young man asks "hey buddy, how much is it for a ride to the airport?" The driver replies "That's gonna cost you $16 bucks." The man says "sounds good" and the driver starts the car and gets ready to bring the man to his destination. As the driver begins pulling away from all the other taxi's in line, the young man rolls his window down, and gives them all a big smile and two thumbs up.

[Phil]

Originally Posted by Rexmons

Phil here's the version I heard:

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor, hands him a $5 and asks, "make me one with everything"; the hotdog vendor gives him his hotdog and when the Buddhist asks for his change the vendor replies "change comes from within."

i like that one better.

[glatt]

Originally Posted by Rexmons

heres a long one but it's one of my all time favorites:

That's awesome!

[Pie]

Hi,

Today, local police found a man's body in a park nearby.

They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Butt and a Small pecker.

Please email me back so I'll know you're OK.

Sincerely worried,
Your Concerned Friend

[Spexxvet]

Why did the feminist cross the street?





To give me a blow job.

[jester]

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?


A: A rumor

[Dagney]

Alternative answer:

A: A myth, because a rumor has a chance of actually being true.

(Although, the intelligent, good looking, sensitive man I live with is most definitely real!)

[Spexxvet]

Alternative answer #2:

teh ghey

[jester]

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?


A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

[BrianR]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"
or
even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz
in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time
the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great
fire
of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels
in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated
by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level
of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

[Radar]

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center

[TheMercenary]

http://www.weirdrepublic.com/episode42.htm

[jester]

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks ov er and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."