Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman were captured while fighting in Iraq, and the leader of their captors said: "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."

The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the Emerald Isle, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."

The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the Land of my Fathers, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir."

The Englishman said: "I'd like to be shot first..."

[jester]

A redneck farm hand radios back to his boss,
the farm manager:

"Boss, I gotta big problem here. I hit a pig
with the pickup. The pig's ok but he's stuck in the
bull bar at the front of my pickup and is wriggling and
quealing so much I can't get him out".

The manager says, "OK there's a 303 behind the seat,
take it out and shoot the pig in the head and
you'll be able to remove him".

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back.
"I did as you said, Boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig
in the head and removed him from the bull-bars.
No problem there, but I still can't go on."

"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager..
"Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing
blue light is stuck under the right front wheel.

You still there Boss?"

[xoxoxoBruce]

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road.
So he decides to pull over and on approaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS. He shrugs it off and enters.
He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks.
"No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glasses.
The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away.
"What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker.
"Well," the bartender answers, "It's nerd season."
"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused.
"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season."
So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.

A few miles down the highway the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks.
To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get around, but swerve's to hard, so his trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road.
He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can.
He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this.
Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.

While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"
"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season?"
"Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"

[jester]

that's funny - i even snorted

[jester]

[xoxoxoBruce]

There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa, when It suddenly had a malfunction and went down.
A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane and found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew.
They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals, so they walked up to the chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The chief says, "Yeah".
When asked where the crew was the chief replied, "We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi", which shocked the rescue crew.
One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi".
After looking totally perplexed for a minute a third added,
"Did you...you know... eat their.... things"?
The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuers.
"NO", replied the chief, "THINGS go better with COKE!"

[jester]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to
rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow
and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind
schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the
two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is
so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really
beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She
has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles.

The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to sew the little package Between Elmo's
legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood me yesterday.

Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."

[xoxoxoBruce]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo (the huntchback of Notre Dame) said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says. "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell

[jester]

uh guh guh guh (think popeye)

[jester]

FUNERAL PROCESSION:

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee
when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse,
about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a
solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back,
were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and
I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral
like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the
two women. "Can I borrow the dog?"




"Get in line."

[Spexxvet]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road.
So he decides to pull over and on approaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS. He shrugs it off and enters.
He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks.
"No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glasses.
The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away.
"What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker.
"Well," the bartender answers, "It's nerd season."
"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused.
"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season."
So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.

A few miles down the highway the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks.
To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get around, but swerve's to hard, so his trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road.
He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can.
He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this.
Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.

While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"
"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season?"
"Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"

I heard this with a different punch-line:

"well, yeah, but you're two over your limit"

[jester]

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her
about a new procedure called "The Knob," where
a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's
head and could be turned to tighten up her skin
and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened
the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the
woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the
surgeon with two problems. "All these years,
everything has been working just fine. I've had
to turn the knob many times and I've always loved
the results. But now I've developed two annoying
problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking
about the goatee?"

[Shawnee123]

What did the gangsta say after three houses fell on him?

Get off me, Homes!

[BrianR]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

[sandypossum]

Essentialist Explanations - a collection of "definitions" of various languages. Some are excellent, some are pushing it a bit.

Some examples:
"Dutch sounds like a drunk Englishman speaking German."
"Flemish is, as its name phonetically suggests, essentially Dutch while vomiting"
"Australian English is essentially what happens to you after living in isolation for too long."
"Scots is essentially English, only funnier."
"Cat is essentially the endless repetition of the phrase "Now! Now!"