Humor...I Need Humor...

[BrianR]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs,
parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious
when offered a drink from any woman. Many females
use a date rape drug on the market called ... Beer.
The drug is found in liquid form and available
anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and
in large "kegs".

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties
and bars to persuade their male victims to go home
and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a
guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply
ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are
rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to the
desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking
women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy
memories of exactly what happened to them the night
before, often with just a vague feeling that
"something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled
out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam
known as a "relationship" . In extreme cases, the
female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of
servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after
Beer is administered and sex is offered by the
predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to
every male you know.

If you fall victim to this beer and the women
administering it..... There are male support groups
where you can discuss the details of your shocking
encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up
"Golf Courses" in the phone book.

[Cyclefrance]

Now, will you get this one....?

Nelson lay severely wounded aboard the HMS Victory, awaiting attack from the French navy. It was a foggy morning. The mist hung low. He called to his lookout and signalman: 'climb the rigging and tell me if the Frenchies are sending a signal to attack!'

Away the signalman scurried, returning some five minutes later with a slihghtly panicked expression on his face: 'It's still very misty, admiral, sir. There is a signal but it is difficult to read. It seems to say "to the water, it is the hour" '.

'That makes no real sense. We need to be sure of the message. Go look again - the mists are surely clearing fast now.'

Again the signalman climbed the rigging, returning some ten minutes later this time:' Sir, it definitely says what I said before "to the water, it is the hour" '.

'Are you really sure, for that is indeed a strange message?'

'Well, I am translating from the French' said the signalman

'And what, pray, is the French, then?'

'Why, a l'eau, c'est l'heure, of course!'

[Deuce]

nyuk nyuk nyuk



bonus points for sucessfully rendering that in text

[Shawnee123]

This post reminded me of this joke:

The 3 wise men were walking into the stable to meet the baby messiah. The tallest wise man hits his head on the door jamb and says "Jeeesus Christ!" Mary looks at Joseph and says "ooh, ooh, write that down! That's way better than "Gary"

[Happy Monkey]

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

'Why, a l'eau, c'est l'heure, of course!'

Nothing happens here.

(Now, will you get that one?)

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

This post reminded me of this joke:

The 3 wise men were walking into the stable to meet the baby messiah. The tallest wise man hits his head on the door jamb and says "Jeeesus Christ!" Mary looks at Joseph and says "ooh, ooh, write that down! That's way better than "Gary"

You realize, I now have to cut your head off, don't you?

[Shawnee123]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

You realize, I now have to cut your head off, don't you?

Go ahead, I'm not using it. :p

I got a million of 'em. You should see my "Jesus on a rubber cross" impression. Guaranteed to piss off extremists, young and old alike.

Originally Posted by Happy Monkey

(Now, will you get that one?)

Or this one:

Two women are walking along the docks one night. They see a couple seamen. The first lady asks "Aren't those sailors out after hours?"
The second lady replies "I sure hope so!"

[Cyclefrance]

Originally Posted by Happy Monkey

Nothing happens here.

(Now, will you get that one?)

Nope - but hello sailor anyway....

[Happy Monkey]

wiki You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

[Urbane Guerrilla]

"Rien se passe ici??"

@ Shawnee: "Hey Peter! Look what I can do!" <straight-armed handclaps>

[Cyclefrance]

Originally Posted by Happy Monkey

wiki You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

Should that be GUE, and you are invoking prosiac licence on the letter 'r'?

I suppose a 'happy sailor' could also therefore be classed as a 'Quendor bender' - that would tie it in quite neatly with some of the other interpretations.

[jester]

ouch!

[Cloud]

A Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as
> chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University
> in Marquette.
>
> They would get together two or three times a week for
> coffee and to talk shop.
>
> One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people
> isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to
> preach to a bear.
>
> One thing led to another and they decided to do an
> experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a
> bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
>
> Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their
> experience.
>
> Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
> crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs,
> goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find
> me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
> the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with
> me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my
> holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God,
> he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out
> next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
>
> Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with
> an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best
> fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers,
> you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND
> me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's
> HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So
> I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled
> down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came
> to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his
> hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle
> as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
>
> The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi,
> who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast
> and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of
> him. He was in real bad shape.
>
> The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it,
> circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[smurfalicious]

Two rednecks walk into a Dairy Queen.

While having a couple of Blizzards, when suddenly a woman at a nearby table, eating a Coney dog, begins to cough and choke.

One of the guys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no.

The redneck strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again.

The redneck ambles smugly back to his table to a thunderous round of applause.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

[Shawnee123]

In a recent survey on why men like blow jobs so much:

6% liked the feeling,

12% liked the excitment,

and 82% just liked the silence.