Humor...I Need Humor...

[capnhowdy]

How to keep Georgia gnats out of your face:

Tie a dog dick to the back of your neck.

Hello everyone.... I miss you. I'll see you soon.

Currently semi-deployed. Will explain later. Love you.

[BrianR]

There may be some wives on here who can relate...


One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the
small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them
very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her
side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side
to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips,
first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the
outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside
of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her
right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she
squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped
abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

[BrianR]

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning
prayers, when
she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way
to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good
morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with
you."

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other,
"I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A
little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters
who had been teaching at the convent for several years.

She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may
God give you wisdom for your students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."
But
again, after passing, Mother Superior
overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she
started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look
on her face.
She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary
approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather
deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on
her face, before greeting Sister Mary.

"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I
pray
God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you
got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I
have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have
said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're
wearing Father Murphy's slippers

[Uisge Beatha]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven' t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[jester]

hilarious

[jester]

this might have been posted before

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
This man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

[BrianR]

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 23, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS
MAXIMUM.

Classes begin Monday, October 30, 2007

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen
Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6

Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right
Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00
PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries and Other Important Dates
---and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy
Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued
to the survivors. !
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

[Radar]

A man is walking down the beach when he stubs his toe on a lamp. When he does, 2 blond genies come out and tell him they will grant him 3 wishes for setting them free. So he makes his wishes and goes home.

When he walks up to his house and opens the door, he notices that it's filled with scantily clad supermodels walking around talking about how sexy he is. He walks upstairs to his bedroom and opens the walk-in closet and it's filled from top to bottom and one side to the other with hundred dollar bills. Just as he notices this he hears a knock at the door.

He walks downstairs and opens the door and he sees some KKK members wearing hoods and robes and they grab him and drag him outside. Then they burn a cross in his yard, beat him senseless, and hang him from a tree.

Then the 2 main KKK members remove their hoods and they are the 2 blonde genies.

One of them looks at the other and says, "I can understand the women, and I can understand the money, but I don't understand why he wanted to be hung like a black man."

[Rexmons]

in response to all the man jokes:

Seminars for Women

These valuable courses, specific to the needs of women have been thoughtfully prepared and presented by men as in-depth and life changing courses.

1. Elementary Map Reading

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast

6. The Seven-Outfit Week

7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it"

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water

12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament

13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "Me Too" Equals I Love You

14. How to Earn Your Own Money

15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics = Good"

16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"

25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

[jester]

10 Reasons Why There Are No Black NASCAR Drivers’

10 Have to sit upright while driving.
9 Pistol won’t stay under front seat
8 Engine noise drowns out the rap music
7 Pit crew can’t work on car while holding up pants at the
same time
6 They keep trying to carjack Dale, Jr.
5 Police cars on track interfere with race
4 No passenger seat for the Ho
3 No Cadillac’s approved for competition
2 When they crash their cars, they bail out & run
1 They can’t wear their helmets sideways.

PS - I hate NASCAR - but this was funny

[Uisge Beatha]

Two old friends, a rabbi and a priest, finish their weekly discussion/ debate on religion. As ususal, they shake hands and walk out of the coffee shop, each still unshakable in his convictions. As they step into the street a car swerves around the corner, heading right for them. Father Flynn pulls his companion back just in time to avoid disaster. Rabbi Schwartz immediately waves his hand before his face, his crotch, and then his two breast pockets.

"Saints preserve us!" exclaims the priest. "My friend, I do believe it's a liar you've been."

The rabbi, bewildered, responds, "Vhat do you mean, Patrick?"

"Ah, and I suppose it isn't the sign of the cross you've just made?" inquires Father Flynn.

"Oy, I vas just checking everyting is vere it belongs - the spectacles, the testicles, the vatch, and vallet."

[smurfalicious]

[jester]

[BigV]

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left behind 4 children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great-grandchildren, and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[DanaC]

Hahaha. That one really made me chuckle.