Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 95

Rhianne · 09-08-2007, 06:39 PM

Two lions were laying down in the heat of the African sun, one licking the other one's bottom (OK, its arse!), a third lion walked past aghast and asked, "what the hell are you doing that for."

"I've just eaten an American tourist", came the reply, "and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

skysidhe · 09-08-2007, 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

No, I think the update was after you posted the link. You was shot in the back.

Better than being stabbed I guess. Or torn apart by a homicidal pumpkin.

funny

Cyclefrance · 09-11-2007, 06:35 AM

Prime Minister Tony Blair on his l - o - n - g goodbye tour of the entire world, was visiting a primary school and he went into one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'". " No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent.

No other children volunteered.

Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!!"

BigV · 09-11-2007, 12:05 PM

*snort*

Nice, in the rudest sort of way, of course.

HungLikeJesus · 09-11-2007, 07:00 PM

Why do women like Jesus?

Because he was hung like this:

monster · 09-12-2007, 08:51 PM

I rear ended a car this morning.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

And that's how the fight started...

skysidhe · 09-12-2007, 10:30 PM

funny joke

At first I thought it was a true story.

* waits *

jester · 09-13-2007, 11:57 AM

A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor.

The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."

The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

Cloud · 09-14-2007, 03:47 PM

A Tale of Two Cows

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbra Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?

SOCIALISM

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNISM

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.

The cow is schizophrenic.

Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.

The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.

The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.

The cow asks permission to be cut in half.

The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.

They make real California cheese.

Only five speak English.

Most are illegal's.

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

And there you have it!

skysidhe · 09-18-2007, 09:07 AM

I've probably posted this before but I think it's so funny.

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

skysidhe · 09-18-2007, 10:05 AM

Oh look a new 10th level of hell for sowers of discord and falsifiers.

A little bit of Onion sillyness
http://www.theonion.com/content/node...rce=facebook_1

new wave of sinners had been placed in such circles as Hoarders and Squanderers, Sowers of Discord, Flatterers and Seducers, Violent Against Art, and Hypocrites. Hell authorities, however, say that the new level, the Circle of Total Bastards, located at the site of the former Well of Giants just above the Frozen Lake at Hell's center, better suits their insidious brand of evil.

Hime · 09-18-2007, 11:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skysidhe

I've probably posted this before but I think it's so funny.

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Awesome.

dar512 · 09-18-2007, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hime

Awesome.

Not a true story, but funny.

skysidhe · 09-18-2007, 12:22 PM

what the hell! of course the navy is going to deny it.

This is the humor thread. Wanna debunk the homicidal pumpkin photo now?

HungLikeJesus · 09-18-2007, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skysidhe

what the hell! of course the navy is going to deny it.

This is the humor thread. Wanna debunk the homicidal pumpkin photo now?

I was with my wife in a bookstore Sunday night and she picked up a book called Extreme Pumpkins, which included that image, or one very similar. She said "Look who wrote this!" and I saw that it's a friend of ours, Tom Nardone. I thought it was just someone with the same name, but after checking into it, found out it is him.

He also runs the extremepumpkins.com website.

That's funny that you should post that today.

09-11-2007, 06:35 AM	#1413
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Prime Minister Tony Blair on his l - o - n - g goodbye tour of the entire world, was visiting a primary school and he went into one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'". " No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!!" __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

09-11-2007, 12:05 PM	#1414
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	snort Nice, in the rudest sort of way, of course. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

09-11-2007, 07:00 PM	#1415
HungLikeJesus Only looks like a disaster tourist Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: above 7,000 feet Posts: 7,208	Why do women like Jesus? Because he was hung like this: Attached Images __________________ Keep Your Bodies Off My Lawn SteveDallas's Random Thread Picker.

09-12-2007, 08:51 PM	#1416
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	I rear ended a car this morning. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?" And that's how the fight started... __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

09-14-2007, 03:47 PM	#1419
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	A tale of two cows . . . A Tale of Two Cows DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbra Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICANISM You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal's. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. And there you have it! __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

09-08-2007, 06:39 PM	#1411
Rhianne Nearly done. Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Teetering on the edge. Posts: 1,134	Two lions were laying down in the heat of the African sun, one licking the other one's bottom (OK, its arse!), a third lion walked past aghast and asked, "what the hell are you doing that for." "I've just eaten an American tourist", came the reply, "and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

09-12-2007, 10:30 PM	#1417
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	funny joke At first I thought it was a true story. * waits *

09-13-2007, 11:57 AM	#1418
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor. The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common." The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

09-18-2007, 09:07 AM	#1420
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	I've probably posted this before but I think it's so funny. This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95. CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

09-18-2007, 10:05 AM	#1421
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	New 10th Level of Hell Oh look a new 10th level of hell for sowers of discord and falsifiers. A little bit of Onion sillyness http://www.theonion.com/content/node...rce=facebook_1 new wave of sinners had been placed in such circles as Hoarders and Squanderers, Sowers of Discord, Flatterers and Seducers, Violent Against Art, and Hypocrites. Hell authorities, however, say that the new level, the Circle of Total Bastards, located at the site of the former Well of Giants just above the Frozen Lake at Hell's center, better suits their insidious brand of evil.

09-18-2007, 12:22 PM	#1424
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	what the hell! of course the navy is going to deny it. This is the humor thread. Wanna debunk the homicidal pumpkin photo now?

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