Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 102

Radar · 12-03-2007, 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

Love those Scots!

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for
total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few
seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every
time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced
the quiet ... and then said ... "Weel then, foockin' stop doin' it, ya evil bastard!"

That is funny as hell.

classicman · 12-03-2007, 07:52 PM

thanks - I rather liked it myself.

JuancoRocks · 12-03-2007, 11:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jester

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For
the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE

I think I hurt myself on this one......:p :p

Thanks, I needed that tonight.

jester · 12-04-2007, 05:27 PM

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Cicero · 12-04-2007, 05:32 PM

lol!!! @Jester

But the blonde does have a clever point.....I'm uuuh, blonde so don't ask..

Shawnee123 · 12-04-2007, 05:34 PM

I told the Bono joke last night, classicman. Well received. I flubbed my Scottish brogue a bit so I will have to practice.

classicman · 12-04-2007, 05:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

I told the Bono joke last night, classicman. Well received. I flubbed my Scottish brogue a bit so I will have to practice.

You are VERY brave! moreso than I would be. Good for you.

Cicero · 12-04-2007, 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

I told the Bono joke last night, classicman. Well received. I flubbed my Scottish brogue a bit so I will have to practice.

Yea, I wanted to tell it to my husband last night, but the punch line is going to be too sketchy for me...I definitely have to practice before delivery. (I'll look really stupid on the car ride home this evening talking to myself while driving)
I might even do the clapping myself for added dramatic effect.....

A classic! Classicman!

HungLikeJesus · 12-04-2007, 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cicero

Yea, I wanted to tell it to my husband last night, but the punch line is going to be too sketchy for me...I definitely have to practice before delivery. (I'll look really stupid on the car ride home this evening talking to myself while driving.)

I might even do the clapping myself for added dramatic effect.....

At least you don't ride the bus.

Shawnee123 · 12-04-2007, 05:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

You are VERY brave! moreso than I would be. Good for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cicero

Yea, I wanted to tell it to my husband last night, but the punch line is going to be too sketchy for me...I definitely have to practice before delivery. (I'll look really stupid on the car ride home this evening talking to myself while driving)
I might even do the clapping myself for added dramatic effect.....

A classic! Classicman!

I saw the Bay City Rollers in concert in 6th grade. I've had much time to practice.

Stress Puppy · 12-05-2007, 09:26 AM

What's the difference between Bono and God?

....

God doesn't think he's Bono.

Shawnee123 · 12-05-2007, 10:51 AM

Oh, wow...that's a good one!

Cloud · 12-05-2007, 02:41 PM

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Please be aware that the evidence shows mental evolution has ceased with the following individuals.

Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended
victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber
James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.

He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it
worked
>> >
And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted
claim to his insurance company.
The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a
look for himself! He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
>> >
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
>> >
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to
admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and
offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the
passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
>> >
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
>> >
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he
was hit.
>> >
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash
drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the
register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash
from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
>> >
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer. $15.
>> >
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved
it over his head at the window.
>> >
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
>> >
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the
purse from.'
>> >
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away.
>> >
(*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)
>> >
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked
on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a
motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal
gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage
tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges
saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
>> >
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your
friends and family, unless of course, one of these individuals by
chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be
glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
>> >
Remember ... they walk among us!

Cloud · 12-05-2007, 02:46 PM

I loved the Christmas Party Announcement, Crimson Ghost, thanks!

BrianR · 12-06-2007, 02:56 PM

The Pope and "Herself," Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did
you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that
with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like
that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.

12-04-2007, 05:32 PM	#1520
Cicero Looking forward to open mic night. Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: New Mexico Posts: 5,148	lol!!! @Jester But the blonde does have a clever point.....I'm uuuh, blonde so don't ask.. __________________ Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.- Carl Jung

12-05-2007, 09:26 AM	#1526
Stress Puppy Elite Elitist Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Fresno, CA Posts: 359	What's the difference between Bono and God? .... God doesn't think he's Bono. __________________ ~Stress Puppy~ Mundus vult decipi, ergo decipiatur

12-05-2007, 02:41 PM	#1528
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	Darwin Awards! Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Please be aware that the evidence shows mental evolution has ceased with the following individuals. Here is the glorious winner: 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked >> > And now, the honorable mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself! He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. >> > 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. >> > 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. >> > The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. >> > 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. >> > 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. >> > The total amount of cash he got from the drawer. $15. >> > 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. >> > The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. >> > 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.' >> > 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. >> > (A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER) >> > 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. >> > In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family, unless of course, one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. >> > Remember ... they walk among us! __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"*

12-05-2007, 02:46 PM	#1529
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	I loved the Christmas Party Announcement, Crimson Ghost, thanks! __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

12-06-2007, 02:56 PM	#1530
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	The Pope and "Herself," Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. 'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

12-03-2007, 07:52 PM	#1517
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	thanks - I rather liked it myself.

12-04-2007, 05:27 PM	#1519
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

12-04-2007, 05:34 PM	#1521
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	I told the Bono joke last night, classicman. Well received. I flubbed my Scottish brogue a bit so I will have to practice.

12-05-2007, 10:51 AM	#1527
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Oh, wow...that's a good one!

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