Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 111

monster · 02-15-2008, 02:10 PM

yes it was, hon. Bruce got it.

TheMercenary · 02-15-2008, 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster

yes it was, hon. Bruce got it.

In that case, shall I make you a bloody mary dear?

monster · 02-15-2008, 09:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

In that case, shall I make you a bloody mary dear?

Budweiser will suffice. And another serving of humor,please, I need a giggle.

Radar · 02-16-2008, 03:04 AM

Man, I've got at least a dozen on this list.

lookout123 · 02-16-2008, 12:25 PM

This isn't a judgement call on the intelligence of that banner... but Sports Fans?

Radar · 02-16-2008, 12:41 PM

That's what I'm saying. They got me on being a sports fan. I don't remember that part of the bible, but sheese, they are opening the doors to lots of new people in Hell.

HungLikeJesus · 02-17-2008, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Radar

Man, I've got at least a dozen on this list.

Who ever made that sign is a hypocrite.

DanaC · 02-19-2008, 05:11 PM

From the Armstrong and Miller Show. The first one made me think of LJ....Cock!

I can recommend the rest in the menu for a giggle too

Particularly 'Teenage Girls'

icileparadise · 02-19-2008, 05:20 PM

Where did you get that from DanaC? So nice the palm lounge theme and the stiff upper-lip humour, smells like Michael Palin. Excellent. Thank you.

DanaC · 02-19-2008, 05:22 PM

It's the Armstrong and Miller Show (BBC) Those are two of their regular characters. That was off youtube

TheMercenary · 02-21-2008, 09:00 PM

New Living Will Form

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Martini ______a Margarita ____ __ a Scotch and soda ______a Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______The sports page ______Chocolate or ______Sex

It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________

NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!

Trilby · 02-21-2008, 09:29 PM

Ok, I printed out three of those wills, will sign and notarize and give a copy to the hospital, my oncologist and my mother.

do you think it'll fly?

monster · 02-21-2008, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brianna

do you think it'll fly?

Might

TheMercenary · 02-21-2008, 10:40 PM

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a nickel. After a few minutes in the store, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'
No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney.'

TheMercenary · 02-21-2008, 10:40 PM

Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.

Is this your husband?"
he nervously asks.

"No, silly,"
she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?"
he continues.

"No, not at all,"
she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?"
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"
she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?"
he demands.

She whispers in his ear

"That's me before the surgery."

02-15-2008, 02:10 PM	#1651
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	yes it was, hon. Bruce got it. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

02-16-2008, 03:04 AM	#1654
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Man, I've got at least a dozen on this list. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

02-16-2008, 12:25 PM	#1655
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	This isn't a judgement call on the intelligence of that banner... but Sports Fans? __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

02-16-2008, 12:41 PM	#1656
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	That's what I'm saying. They got me on being a sports fan. I don't remember that part of the bible, but sheese, they are opening the doors to lots of new people in Hell. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

02-21-2008, 09:00 PM	#1661
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	New Living Will Form I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: ______a Martini ______a Margarita ____ __ a Scotch and soda ______a Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______The sports page ______Chocolate or ______Sex It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had. Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________ NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on! __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

02-19-2008, 05:11 PM	#1658
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	From the Armstrong and Miller Show. The first one made me think of LJ....Cock! I can recommend the rest in the menu for a giggle too Particularly 'Teenage Girls'

02-19-2008, 05:20 PM	#1659
icileparadise Coronation Incarnate Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Swiss Mountains Posts: 96	Where did you get that from DanaC? So nice the palm lounge theme and the stiff upper-lip humour, smells like Michael Palin. Excellent. Thank you.

02-19-2008, 05:22 PM	#1660
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	It's the Armstrong and Miller Show (BBC) Those are two of their regular characters. That was off youtube

02-21-2008, 09:29 PM	#1662
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Ok, I printed out three of those wills, will sign and notarize and give a copy to the hospital, my oncologist and my mother. do you think it'll fly?

02-21-2008, 10:40 PM	#1664
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a nickel. After a few minutes in the store, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?' No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney.' __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

02-21-2008, 10:40 PM	#1665
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Photo on the Night Stand After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. She whispers in his ear "That's me before the surgery." __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

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