Humor...I Need Humor...

[skysidhe]

FEMALE COME BACKS

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

[classicman]

A heart warming story of a little girl and her dead goldfish! Not all E-mail has to be crude. Now and then it is good to have one that is just cute and sweet.

[Buffalo Bill]

That 93 years old guy has been playing golf everyday for the last 30 years and one day he comes home all mad and says to his wife that this he will never play golf ever again.
You've been playing each and every days for the last 30years, you love the game. Why do you want to quit playing all of a sudden?
He says that he still love the game ent that he is still in a good enough shape to hit the ball pretty far but his eyesight his so bad that he does'nt see where ball is.

You should take your cousin with you, his eyesight is perfect and he will tell you where your ball went says the wife.

He is 102 years old and he does'nt play golf says the old guy.

It maybe so but he is still in godd shape et like I said, his eyesight is perfect the wife says.

That may not be a bad idea says the old golfer, I will ask him.

The next day they are both on the first tee-off the 93 years old golfer explain to his cousin that all he has to do his look where the ball go and guide him there. Don't worry says the 102 years old cousin, my eyes are perfect.

The golfer gets into position and hit the ball, he turn to his cousin and asked if he saw where the ball went.

Sure respond the cousin, I told you my eyes are perfect!

Good, so tell me where is my ball?


I forgot! says the cousin



ps: sorry for my English, we French all speak funny

[Flint]

Originally Posted by skysidhe

FEMALE COME BACKS
...
...
...

MALE COME BACKS

NO I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU!!!

[footfootfoot]

What do you do if you break your arm in two places?


Don't go back to those places.

[DanaC]

lol i liked the simplicity of that one 3foot

I heard an amusing line on the radio today. Barry Cryer, a 73 year old british comedian: I've now replaced sex with food. In fact I just installed a mirror over the dining room table

[DanaC]

Sorry, I feel compelled to post more sketches from Man Stroke Woman......play these they're excellent.

[skysidhe]

This is simplistic and cute. I'ts too long to post all the photos. There are captions beside each one. Here is the link.

http://www.dnaco.net/~vogelke/pictur...to-hug-a-baby/

[TheMercenary]

Cute sky.

[Sundae]

Dana - Yay Man Stroke Woman!
Although it's hit & miss from my perspective, and this selection does prove that,

I like 1 and 3
Great to see Katy Carmichael (I think - Twist from Spaced) back on tv
But 2... Um... misses the mark with me. Although I accept I may be in the minority - I'm a great map reader.

[xoxoxoBruce]

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

[lushchocolateswirl]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married.









There
was only one little thing bothering me.









It was her
beautiful younger sister.











My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore
very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.










One day "little" sister called and asked me to come
over to check the wedding invitations.









She was alone
when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome.











She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to
her sister.











Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.










She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me.









" I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs.











When she reached the top she pulled off her panties
and threw them down the stairs at me.









I stood there
for a moment, then turned and made a beeline
straight to the front door.











I opened the door, and headed straight towards my
car.











Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have
passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.









"
And the moral of this story is...


...Always keep your condoms in your car.

[xoxoxoBruce]

While President Bush was doing his taxes, under dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself, ‘Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.

[DanaC]

Lush, that made me laugh a lot *applauds* nice delivery btw.

[skysidhe]

thanks merc

----------------------------------------------------
Is Your Jar Full?


When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a
day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar......and the beer.


A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front
of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and
empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then
asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full. They agreed it was.

The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar
was full. The students responded with an unanimous "Yes."

The Professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty
space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your
health, your friends, your favorite passions - things that if everything
else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house,
your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued, "there is no room
for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all
your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the
things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are
critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get
medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There
will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of
the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."

When he had finished, there was a profound silence. Then one of the
students raised her hand and with a puzzled expression, inquired what the
beer represented.

The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no
matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of
beers."