Humor...I Need Humor...

[classicman]

ITALIAN BOY CONFESSION

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?
Yes, Father it is.

And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capeli?
I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

Four months vacation and five good leads.

[classicman]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers
that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks
the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?" The
salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for $19.95

Beach Barbie for $19.95

Disco Barbie for $19.95

Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others are only $19.95?" The salesperson annoyingly answers:

"Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes witth: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...One of Ken's Friends.

------------------------------------------------------
Next one:


A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for
Christmas.

The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes
Benz."

Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"

The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace,
she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."

The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him
what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."

With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy her
those gifts?!"

The poor man replies,

"Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go [*****] herself.

[classicman]

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URL
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s
world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name
selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do
this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies
who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give
their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents’ where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their
whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

[classicman]

.

[skysidhe]

[Sundae]

Ewwwwwwwwwwww!

Okay. Not humour in my opinion. I may be wrong.
Received on a customer's text tonight. Makes no sense as far as I am concerned and therefore is not funny:

A man walks into a shop and puts a bomb down on the counter.
He shouts, "You've got one minute to get out!"
From the back, the tortoise calls, "You bastard!"

[classicman]

lol - thats a good one!

[HungLikeJesus]

Yes, I liked that one, SG.

[BrianR]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.

1) If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
2) If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
3) If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
4) If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
5) If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

[xoxoxoBruce]

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his pathetic poll standings. His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, ‘We’ve been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president’s position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans Administration.

We’ll make a $100,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint.’

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, ‘The Church is desperate for funding - I’ll do it.’

Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began: ‘I’d like to speak to you all this morning about our President who is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence numb-nuts who can’t put a compound sentence together.

He bugged out of combat service during the Vietnam War and went AWOL to avoid a drug test, then had all reports on the sordid event destroyed.

He is the spawn of a Nazi loving great grandfather who smuggled anti-Americans into this country on his shipping line.

He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people.

He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated country on earth. It is
a three-trillion dollar folly.

He appointed fund-raiser cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction due to government paralysis after Hurricane Katrina.

He awarded no-bid cost-plus contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor than we’ve had since the Depression.

He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome.

The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars.

Oil rose from $18 to over a hundred and thirty per barrel, leading to transportation costs which the people of America cannot afford, with low minimum wages, part time jobs, no health insurance, and outsourcing.

Vital research into global warming and stem cells is stifled because he’s afraid to lose votes from religious kooks.

He is the worst example of a true Christian I’ve ever known, but compared to Dick Cheney… George W. Bush is a saint.

[footfootfoot]

I can't top that so I'll lower the bar again:

A bum walks up to a Jewish mother on the street and says "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

She says "Force yourself."

[spudcon]

Barak Obama is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Obama if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the great Barak Obama," that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Obama searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying Barak Obama, Hillary Clinton and John McCain was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic!" exclaims Barak, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[classicman]

.

[SteveDallas]

"Freak accident" indeed.

[footfootfoot]

sounds like the "OK I'll try it, but I don't want you to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." joke