Humor...I Need Humor...

[monster]

...exchange rate...

[toranokaze]

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

Important Notice
GREGOR SAMSA Is Not Eligible for SSI

We are writing about GREGOR SAMSA's claim for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) payments. Based on a review of his/her medical condition, he/she does not qualify for SSI payments on this claim. This is because he/she is not disabled or blind under our rules.



The Decision on GREGOR SAMSA's Case

You listed the following impairment(s) on your SSI application:

I AM A GIGANTIC COCKROACH

DEPRESSION

BACK PAIN

You said the above impairment(s) affected you in the following way(s):

I CANNOT STAND OR WALK UPRIGHT OR SPEAK ANY HUMAN LANGUAGE

I CANNOT HANDLE OR MANIPULATE OBJECTS WITH MY MANY LEGS OR ANTENNAE

WHEN I AM ON MY BACK I HAVE DIFFICULTY RIGHTING MYSELF

MY FAMILY HAS IMPRISONED ME IN MY ROOM AND IS FEEDING ME SCRAPS

The following report(s) were used to decide this claim:


You did not show up for your Consultative Exam. We scheduled an appointment with an examining physician at our expense. You were asked if you required a taxi or other arranged transportation to the exam.


We received no medical records related to your alleged condition(s) of I AM A GIGANTIC COCKROACH, DEPRESSION, BACK PAIN.

Doctors and other trained staff looked at this case and made this decision. They work for the state but used our rules. The following findings were made:


You are not engaged in any substantial gainful activity.


Your impairment causes more than minimal limitations.


Although your impairment(s) result in some problems for you, which are more than minimal, they do not equal any of the impairments listed in Table 2 of Appendix 1 to Subpart P of Chapter 20, Part 404 of Federal Regulations ("the Listings").


You are not able to perform your previous employment. You listed the following job(s) in your work history report:

TRAVELING SALESMAN

We have determined that your impairment prevents you from continuing in your previous employment, because you cannot handle or finger your sample cases, you cannot speak any human language, and your customers will be frightened by your monstrous clicking mandibles.


You are able to perform other work which exists in substantial numbers in the national economy. A vocational expert was consulted, and determined that your Residual Functioning Capacity (RFC) allows you to perform the following jobs:

STAPLING MACHINE OPERATOR

NUCLEAR WASTE MANAGEMENT

ENTERTAINER (foreign cinema, circus)

TAX PREPARER



If You Disagree With the Decision

If you disagree with this decision, you have the right to appeal. We will review your case and consider any new facts you have. You have to ask for an appeal in writing. We will ask you to sign a form SS-561-U2 called "Request for Reconsideration." If you cannot sign your name, you may mark the line with an X, but you must provide two witnesses willing to sign to your identity. If you cannot mark the line with an X, we will provide you with a special identity stamp. If you cannot handle or finger the identity stamp, we will ask you to come into our office and frantically paw at a ream of carbon triplicate paper, but you must provide two witnesses willing to sign to your identity.

If you do call or visit an office, please have this letter with you. It will help us answer your questions. You must have your Social Security card and a current picture ID to enter the building.

Sincerely,

Barnabas Klamm
Regional Commissioner

(Courtesy of McSweeneys.net and written by Alex St.-Andrews)

It is like combining the trial and the metamorphosis.

[glatt]

Originally Posted by DanaC

.....but after that its funny

yes it is!

[Aliantha]

A Department of Water representative stopped at a Canberra farm and talked
with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water
allocation.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field over there.'

The water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Government with me. See this card? THIS CARD MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO
GO WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or
answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the
old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence
and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.

The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step.

The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down
his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out..........

'Your card! Your card! Show him your Farking card!'

[DanaC]

David Mitchell, my current favourite stand-up comedian, appearing on TV Heaven, Telly Hell. The interviewer is also a stand-up comedian (Sean Lock)

First part he discusses 'The Heaven and Earth Show'. It's very funny. I warn Merkins some of the cultural references will go over your head, but I think it still stands :P It's well worth hanging on for the exorcism (around 7:30 minutes in)



* cultural notes: Su Pollard = awful 1980s sitcom 'star', Melinda Messenger = topless model (and tv presenter).


another part, even funnier, a drift onto the topic of paedophilia:



*cultural note: Jonny Ball popular, much-loved children's entertainer and maths wizard from the 70s and 80s


[eta] if anyone wants a glimpse of a typical Friday night comedy panel show in the UK, check out WILTY in the menu of clip 1. 'Would I lie to you?'.

*cultural notes: Trisha does one of those shows where people end up doing live paternity tests or confessing they're actually gay and shagging their girlfriend's father; the Scottish comedian is Frankie Boyle, one of the edgiest stand-up comics on the circuit.

[DanaC]

btw, Ali, I just went back and read that joke. Very funny.

[Sheldonrs]

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddly...rpc=22&sp=true

World's oldest joke traced back to 1900 BC
Thu Jul 31, 2008 11:01am EDT Shares Mag 2007 LONDON (Reuters) - The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests toilet humor was as popular with the ancients as it is today.

It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

It heads the world's oldest top 10 joke list published by the University of Wolverhampton Thursday.

A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru, comes second -- "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons -- "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."

"Jokes have varied over the years, with some taking the question and answer format while others are witty proverbs or riddles," said the report's writer Dr Paul McDonald, senior lecturer at the university.

"What they all share however, is a willingness to deal with taboos and a degree of rebellion. Modern puns, Essex girl jokes and toilet humor can all be traced back to the very earliest jokes identified in this research."

The study was commissioned by television channel Dave. The top 10 oldest jokes can be viewed at www.dave-tv.co.uk.

(Reporting by John Joseph; Editing by Steve Addison)

[DanaC]

Oh I love the Dave channel! It's the home of witty banter....

[TheMercenary]

The world's oldest jokes revealed by university research

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/ukne...-research.html

[DanaC]

Fascinating article, Merc. The Anglo-saxon riddle form is wonderful.


Dylan Moran: on relationships

[lookout123]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need
to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other
side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right
from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE ' of t he road. What we need to do
is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not
live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple
as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life
long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .......
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

[DanaC]

Why did the chicken cross the road?


Lee Mack:


'Cause his house was being bombed by the Russians....leave him alone, he's only a chicken!...how would you feel, carrying everything you own whilst the Russian's flatten your house?........

.......oh wait.....not chicken...Chechen.

[classicman]

Jessica Simpson: Was it a chicken or a tuna?

[classicman]

I recently saw a billboard sign that read:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS

1-800-405-3787

Out of curiosity, I did and left my name and address.

The next day a Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

[Shawnee123]

Brett Favre: the chicken was traded to the other side of the road.