Humor...I Need Humor...

[dar512]

It's the Latino influence.

[Pico and ME]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

Thats exactly what it felt like.

[footfootfoot]

A bum walks up to a Jewish grandmother and says "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

She turns to him and says "Force yourself."

[Tulip]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Borough not burro.

ahhh...thank you :p

[Cicero]

Ok I am posting this on the cellar twice because I know there are Louis CK fans here....http://www.louisck.net/
Tomorrow night Louis CK all new act on Showtime...I do not have showtime...;(

Jinx, LJ, everyone..be advised...

[Sundae]

In a London hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.
"Sir," she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW.
Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.
A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he asked.
"The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Sigh, men don't listen.

[Nirvana]

SON OF A BITCH FISH
> >
> > The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
> >
> > On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to
> reel it in.
> >
> > The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a
> Bitch!'
> >
> > 'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'
> >
> > 'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'
> >
> > 'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'
> >
> > Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
>
> > 'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen'
> >
> > 'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?'
> >
> > 'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son
> of a Bitch!'
> >
> > Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
> >
> > While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired
> about his trip.
> >
> > 'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'
> >
> > Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'
> >
> > 'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!'
> >
> > 'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'
> >
> > Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to
> visit in a few days and that
> they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. 'I'll even clean the
> Son of a Bitch', she said.
> >
> > As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
> >
> > 'What are you doing Sister?'
> >
> > 'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new
> Bishop's Dinner'
> >
> > 'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'
> >
> > 'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.'
> >
> > 'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it,
> and that Son of a Bitch
> can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that
> Son of a Bitch.'
> >
> > On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The
> Friar had prepared an
> > excellent meal.
> >
> > The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
> >
> > The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'
> >
> > 'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.
> >
> > 'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.
> >
> > The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special
> recipe!'
> >
> > The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
> >
> > A big smile crept across his face as he said,
> >
> > 'You fuckers are my kind of people!'

[Nirvana]

The last line in that could be a new cellar tag line

[Tink]

Dear Diary ,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
___________ _________ _________ __

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

____________ _________ _________ __

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

____________ _________ _________ _

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

____________ _________ _________

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the rest-room. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

____________ _________ _________ _

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.


The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

____________ _________ _________ __

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

____________ _________ _________ __

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy . I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[ZenGum]

True story:
In Beaconsfield, Tasmania, Australia, a while back there was a ceiling collapse in an underground gold mine, killing one miner and trapping two. The rescue took about 14 days (and should have taken longer but for the rescuers sidestepping their own safety regulations).
Anyway, there is now a stage play about it.

"A Musical in A-Flat Minor".


The union is not amused. I am. I guess I'm a prick, then.

[classicman]

Happy birthday

[spudcon]

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
---------------------------------
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
'Look,' said the doctor, 'there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses.'
'I know,' agreed the blonde, 'But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.'
-------------------------------

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. 'Hi Susie,' he said, 'how do you like your new phone?'
Susie replied, 'I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though...'
'What's that, sweetie?' asked her husband.
'How did you know I was at Wal-Mart ?'

[Pico and ME]

QUOTE OF THE DAY

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'

So - if you give her crap,

you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle'

[Tulip]

hahah...I like that quote....so true...so true....lol

[Pie]

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."