Humor...I Need Humor...

[skysidhe]

2 funny

[skysidhe]

[Pie]

What do you call a poodle with no legs? A sponge.

[Pico and ME]

Originally Posted by skysidhe

hee hee

[classicman]

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards
the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT
build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me
friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the
circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit
Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that
doesn't build its own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'

[classicman]

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.


A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth.

E.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it. While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans ...
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.


Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D)
is asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS
to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
what does it mean?

A.
Well... i f you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orlea ns
(every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.

B.
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C.
Or... if you are a family of four...
your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington , D. C

HELLO?
Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage T ax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Us age Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

[Pie]

• Yo mama so fat, she authorized a $700 billion bailout of Dairy Queen.
• Yo mama so fat, she thinks the G8 is a Value Meal.
• Yo mama so fat, her other biography is called "The Audacity of Hardee's"
• Yo mama so fat, the only Supreme Court verdict she wants to overturn is HomeTown Buffet v. Yo Mama.
• Yo mama so fat, she thinks sub-prime is a steak cut.
• Yo mama so fat, McCain refers to her as "Those Ones."
• Your mama so fat, when they asked which menus she reads, she said "You know, all of 'em."
• Yo mama so ugly, Obama said "You can put lipstick on a pig and it would look a lot like yo mama on dollar margarita night."
• Yo mama so fat ACORN registered her to vote *three* times.
• Yo mama so fat Russia can see her from *their* house.
• Yo mama such a ho, the tab for the federal bailout plan is "700 billion dollars, plus fifty cents to have sex with yo mama."

[Sundae]

Talking about mamas, I got mine with Girl Falling Off a Bicycle.
She replied saying I was a bugger and that she'd been leaning right up close to hear it.

I laughed really hard.

Then for some reason I felt awful. My Mum trusts me. She would have been leaning in, anticipating a funny joke from her daughter, all expectant and innocent... I abused her trust to play a nasty trick. I felt like I betrayed her.

No idea where that same from. weird, huh?

Still, I did get a good laugh from it to start with.

[barefoot serpent]

It took a long time for it (credit crisis) to thaw and now it's going to take awhile for it to unthaw - GW Bush

Cindy McCain is so icy Eskimos have 150 different words for her. - Jon Stewart (The Daily Show)

[Pie]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

Talking about mamas, I got mine with Girl Falling Off a Bicycle.
She replied saying I was a bugger and that she'd been leaning right up close to hear it.

I laughed really hard.

Then for some reason I felt awful. My Mum trusts me. She would have been leaning in, anticipating a funny joke from her daughter, all expectant and innocent... I abused her trust to play a nasty trick. I felt like I betrayed her.

No idea where that same from. weird, huh?

Still, I did get a good laugh from it to start with.

SG, I really want to understand this, but I feel like I am trying to read a joke in Russian.

[glatt]

I'm no Clodfobble, but let me try.

Sundae Girl is saying that she tricked her mother into watching a video that had been posted here on the Cellar. The video shows a girl riding a bicycle, and at the last minute, a scary face pops up into view and a loud screaming noise is heard. It's a video that is designed to startle the viewer.

At first, Sundae Girl had a good laugh because she tricked her mother. But then she felt guilty about it.

[Pie]

Aaaaah! Now I remember that video (thanks glatt!) Sorry, SG. That wasn't a translation problem, just my faulty memory.

Now, were did I put my spectacles and hearing aid?

[dar512]

How some dads would have handled it.
.
.

[HungLikeJesus]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

Talking about mamas, I got mine with Girl Falling Off a Bicycle.
She replied saying I was a bugger and that she'd been leaning right up close to hear it.

I laughed really hard.

Then for some reason I felt awful. My Mum trusts me. She would have been leaning in, anticipating a funny joke from her daughter, all expectant and innocent... I abused her trust to play a nasty trick. I felt like I betrayed her.

No idea where that same from. weird, huh?

Still, I did get a good laugh from it to start with.

It's alright to do that at Halloween.

[jester]

How to be cruel to old guys...