Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 147

jester · 10-23-2008, 04:19 PM

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited!"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blowjob I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited!"
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

SteveDallas · 10-23-2008, 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jester

How to be cruel to old guys...

Pfft... my eyesight's so bad, I could barely see the one at the top.

jester · 10-23-2008, 05:21 PM

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old white man married a 20 year old white girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age? He answered "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it? He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man." He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

Madman · 10-24-2008, 12:03 PM

A contribution to the "humor" thread...

Enjoy...

.............................................................................................
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------------

skysidhe · 10-25-2008, 01:14 PM

lol jester! Your poster. What a good find

morethanpretty · 10-26-2008, 01:33 AM

I don't how funny ya'll will find this, but in a time of grief I found it hysterical.

My grandfather died recently without making any pre-arrangements. The difficulty that has made for our family has had my dad tellin us his own plans. He wants his ashes to be sealed in a tin can, then we are to go to his hometown and play a game called Tin-canny-oh in an alley. This is a game like Hide-and-Seek where the "it" person spots a hiding person, calls 'em out, then both "it" and "found" person race to the can. If the found person gets there first, they kick it and yell "tin-canny-oh" and "it" person has to stay it.
At my g-pap's funeral were all cryin our hearts out, even my dad who wasn't close to him (i think he was cryin for my mom and nan more so.) Dad's leans over to me during the tears and whispers "Think about how fun it will be to kick me around in a can."

DanaC · 10-26-2008, 08:42 AM

Your Dad sounds wonderful.

glatt · 10-27-2008, 08:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morethanpretty

a game called Tin-canny-oh

Kick the can - a great game. Played it a lot as a lad.

Sundae · 10-27-2008, 08:57 AM

I can only hear Kick The Can in Scatman Crother's voice, from Twilight Zone the Movie. I watched that on VHS so often it began to warp

lumberjim · 10-27-2008, 08:15 PM

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her upper inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds "It's really cool.

If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean."

TheMercenary · 10-27-2008, 08:33 PM

Nirvana · 10-27-2008, 08:37 PM

LMAO MTP!

Crimson Ghost · 10-28-2008, 12:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her upper inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds "It's really cool.

If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean."

A blind man walks into a fish market.

He tips his hat and says "Hello, ladies."

xoxoxoBruce · 10-28-2008, 01:27 PM

A beautiful fairy appeared, one day, to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Immigration Office. "My good man" the fairy said, "I've been told to grant you three wishes since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them." The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -PING!- he had brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go." The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in, on the water with eight bedrooms for my family. I bring them all over here."

-PING!- In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ pit, pool, in an upscale neighbourhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", the fairy said waving her wand. "Yes, one more wish, I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes and a baseball cap instead of this turban. I want white skin like the Americans."

-PING!- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-Shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back, the mansion disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where's my new house!?" The fairy said, "Tough stuff, Mac. Now you are a white American, if you want something you have to work hard, earn the money and get it yourself!"

classicman · 10-28-2008, 01:47 PM

Excellent one xoB.

10-26-2008, 01:33 AM	#2196
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	I don't how funny ya'll will find this, but in a time of grief I found it hysterical. My grandfather died recently without making any pre-arrangements. The difficulty that has made for our family has had my dad tellin us his own plans. He wants his ashes to be sealed in a tin can, then we are to go to his hometown and play a game called Tin-canny-oh in an alley. This is a game like Hide-and-Seek where the "it" person spots a hiding person, calls 'em out, then both "it" and "found" person race to the can. If the found person gets there first, they kick it and yell "tin-canny-oh" and "it" person has to stay it. At my g-pap's funeral were all cryin our hearts out, even my dad who wasn't close to him (i think he was cryin for my mom and nan more so.) Dad's leans over to me during the tears and whispers "Think about how fun it will be to kick me around in a can." __________________ Addicts may suck dick for coke, but love came up with the idea to put a dick in there to begin with. -Jack O'Brien

10-27-2008, 08:57 AM	#2199
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	I can only hear Kick The Can in Scatman Crother's voice, from Twilight Zone the Movie. I watched that on VHS so often it began to warp __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

10-27-2008, 08:15 PM	#2200
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her upper inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location. She responds "It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean." __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

10-27-2008, 08:33 PM	#2201
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	__________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

10-27-2008, 08:37 PM	#2202
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	LMAO MTP! __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

10-23-2008, 04:19 PM	#2191
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited!" The groom replies, "I just had the best blowjob I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited!" The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

10-23-2008, 05:21 PM	#2193
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old white man married a 20 year old white girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age? He answered "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it? He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man." He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

10-24-2008, 12:03 PM	#2194
Madman has left the building. Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 455	A contribution to the "humor" thread... Enjoy... ............................................................................................. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...' ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------

10-25-2008, 01:14 PM	#2195
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	lol jester! Your poster. What a good find

10-26-2008, 08:42 AM	#2197
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Your Dad sounds wonderful.

10-28-2008, 01:27 PM	#2204
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A beautiful fairy appeared, one day, to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Immigration Office. "My good man" the fairy said, "I've been told to grant you three wishes since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children." The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them." The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -PING!- he had brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go." The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in, on the water with eight bedrooms for my family. I bring them all over here." -PING!- In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ pit, pool, in an upscale neighbourhood overlooking the bay. "One more wish", the fairy said waving her wand. "Yes, one more wish, I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes and a baseball cap instead of this turban. I want white skin like the Americans." -PING!- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-Shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back, the mansion disappeared from the horizon. "What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where's my new house!?" The fairy said, "Tough stuff, Mac. Now you are a white American, if you want something you have to work hard, earn the money and get it yourself!" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

10-28-2008, 01:47 PM	#2205
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Excellent one xoB. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

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